Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Grand Theft Ice Cream

image by xZorex on DeviantArt
I did something bad today. For the greater cause, like an avenging Robin Hood of frozen dairy treats, but still. It all starts with an elderly sample woman...

My family and I were roaming the mega-sized, dangerous concrete isles of Costco on the search for some elusive ball park wieners when we came to a sample stand. Sample stands are set up all over the super-store with various goodies and are all manned by what seems like every Grandmother in the local tri-state area. Most are named something like "Marge" or "Doris" or "Gertrude" and have poofy perms and drawn-on eyebrows. Despite one's particular affinity for Joker-esqe makeup, they are some of the sweetest ladies on the face of the earth. Never has been receiving a tasty treat been so nice.

So, when my mom passed the little white cups of chocolate ice cream bar chunks out to the little girls, Jonmark, and I and realized that there was none left for her, she just shrugged and moved on. Feeling suddenly guilty that I had taken the last sample, I noticed that there were three more cups waiting on the rack on the back of the stand. 

I waited until the lovely sample lady was chatting sweet potatoes with another customer and, under the guise of waving Jonmark to come over to our aisle, went to the back of the stand and grabbed an extra cup. 

To my knowledge the lady never noticed, though I think one of the other shoppers might have given me the "Oh, no you DIDN'T!" eyebrows about breaking the sacred rule of taking only one sample per person.

It was no Grand Theft Auto, but likely the most interesting crime I've committed today. In conclusion, I'm left with this thought:

That was really good ice cream. 

Like Stealing Ice Cream from a Sample Lady,


Saturday, June 25, 2011

It's A Right-Handed Man's World

My Beautiful Friends,

As you may have noticed, my blog has been a bit slow lately. However! I have good excuse. No, really. I'm currently typing everything with my left hand because my right arm is in a sling due to torn AC tendons in my right shoulder. While that is healing my blog posts will be slowing way down. Just think of all the things I want to write about to you that will come pouring out then, like an explosive sneeze when you have the flu.

Oh, and I fell off my bike and landed on concrete.

Love, Naps, and Other Perfectly-Imperfect Things,
Your Invalid Hannah Hoo

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Sheep Story 2: "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a...Unicorn Pegasus? "

Now Continued...

  Hungry homeschoolers are a dangerous things. When the decadent smells of porridge, tea, and toast began to filter upstairs the slumbering students woke with hungry groans and sleepy eyes. As they trampled down to the breakfast room in various states of dress, the Sheep Impostors slipped into the group as well. You would think that the humans would notice that their two male comrades had been replaced with sheep and were eating the flowers at the place settings instead of the toast, but not this early in the morning. Plus, considering that the sheep's eating habits didn't strike the group as odd just goes to show you how starved teenagers eat in the morning. 

Away across the English countryside, the real Joel and David were curled into the fetal position and snoring away on a moving puddle of sheep. Terrance the Sheep (again, related distantly to Terrance the Pig) was atop a stone tower on a high hill watching the sheep through a telescope and lying in wait for the humans. It was almost time to begin revenge on the humans...

Completely unawares, the humans were singing Phantom of the Opera at the top of their lungs as the minibus rumbled down, up, and over the hilly country, annoying the marmite out of the driver. Joel and Dave sheep pretended to sleep to make up for their lack of humanistic singing qualities. 

Terrance saw the approaching bus from the distance and smiled sheepishly. (It's really the only way they can smile, if you think about it.) Using his handy-dandy walkie-talkie from Tescos, he gave the command. It was time to call in a favour with his old friend and relative, Terrance the Pig.

Terrance the Pig owed Terrance the Sheep a favour or two. It's a long story for another time involving the FBI, sunglasses, and a whole lot of sausages. But that's not important. The important thing is, Terrance owed Terrance and Terrence wanted Terrance to sabotage the bus for Terrance. So, Terrange the pig rolled out of Brianna's pocket, down the bus aisle, and beneath the driver's seat. Casually, the little pink pig rolled onto the brake, breaking the minibus to a complete halt. Sneakily, Terrance rolled back up the aisle and into Bri's pocket. Mission Accomplished.

Part 2 of the mission began. On Terrance the Sheep's command (and a bribe involving Airplane Banana Loaf), a herd of horses descended from the sky and assembled around the group of confused homeschool tourists pacing outside the bus. No, not horses. Horses with unicorn horns and majestic white wings and sparkly hooves. They were UNICORN PEGASAI! OR PEGASAI UNICORN (if you're dyslexic)!

The humans ---, well, it's obvious right? What would you do if you were approached by a pegasai unicorn? Besides the one student who fainted of shock and sparkle overload, the humans ran to the animals and hugged them until they couldn't feel anything in their arms. They then climbed on the Unicorn Pegasai's backs and flew away where they frolicked around Britain all day and ate ice cream on Big Ben. Oh, and stopped in to have tea wit Nessie.

Joel and David the Humans, were finally woken. maybe it was the sunlight, maybe it was the sheep chewing on their Toms. All they knew is they heard an awful lot of squeeeeeing in the distance and the flapping of wings. Terrance the Sheep had been strangely silent for several hours now and the sheep had started to forget their purpose. And Terrance the Sheep. And that they were supposed to be exacting revenge on the Humans they carried. No, they were too dazzled by the outstanding tibias of the tall human, David, and the wild curly hair of the other human, Joel. So, with nothing else to do, David was appointed King of the Tibias and Joel was honored to become the Sheep Witch-Doctor. 

For several hours King Tibs and the Wise Witch-Doctor were having a great time. Joel was giving the sheep wool therapy and giving magical hoove massages with the mystical stuff called "Hand Sanitizer". King Tibs was holding a tibia zumba class for the sheep on a grassy hillock next to the river. Everything was peachy until Joel started getting hungry. Sheep Witch-Doctors do not live on thistle alone and he couldn't help but salivate as he watched muttons frolicking to music in the fields. He held himself back until he couldn't stand the hunger a second longer. Tonight, he'd dine on MUTTON TIKA MASALA! With a roar, he ran forward and tackled a shimmying sheep.

Joel and the Sheep plunged over the hill and landed in the icy lake. The sheep squealed wildly as Joel lifted it and prepared to take a bite out of his sheep steak. The other sheep gathered on the hill and began to advance, Bhaaaaaaaaing loudly. King Tibs led the way, leading the herd. 

Meanwhile, the humans were getting quite hungry as well. It had been a long day and the Pegasai Unicorn promised to take the students to a pub, their treat. The pub was a Pegasai Unicorn pub and the humans sat down at their table to wait for their food, admiring the waiter who had a striking resemblance to Zach Efron and giggling. After awhile, they noticed that it had gotten very quiet in the pub. All the unicorn pegasai had begun to gather around the human's table, their sparkly hoove's clopping eerily on the floorboards. The students smiled nervously and asked the Unicorn Pegasai if the food was on it's way. 

The food? Why, it's already arrived!" The Unicorn Pegasis licked his ink lips. Was that...blood on his muzzle next to the Polly Pocket tattoo? The humans shook as they realized... They were the food.

So what will happen next? Will Joel get his dinner? Will the carnivorous Unicorn Pegasai get there's? Will the writer get her's? Tune in next time for a salivating-good story!

To Be Continued...

"Sheep Story" OR "The Toupee has Fallen...and Other Tales of Whimsy and Adventure"

Once Upon A Time...
It was a dark, rainy night in England (as most nights there are). The rain fell from the sheepy clouds like a jar of pins, rattling with the sound of lightening and then hitting the brownstone church with chill, sharp pitter-patters. The ivy desperately climbing up the side of the stones was beat down by the elements, but some had grown high enough to encircle a second circle window. The window glowed with the light of a florescent bulb and looked into a bedroom of teenage girls.

The bunk beds were creaking as the girls hopped around in their fluffy PJs and made up bedtime stories. Some were scary, some were funny, some were wooly. 
A short distance away on a grassy moor, a herd of sheep huddled together for warmth from the sharp rain. They shivered and one of the smaller sheep tripped and rolled away from the others. A gale quickly had it rolling away down the hills and hillocks like a wet cotton ball. No one really noticed. Byaahhh (that was the sheep's name) had a habit of wandering off.

The other sheep hardly noticed so preoccupied with the weather they were. There was no help for it. The leader of this wild pack of sheep, Terrance the Sheep was his name, whistled and ordered the herd to move forward. To be frank, his mutton was freezing and they would have to go to extreme measures: It was time to find human habitation.
The sheep were drawn to the bright window of the church. By hopping onto one another's backs they soon had a stack o' sheep reaching to the window. Terrance looked in and quickly ordered the swaying tower of sheep to move on to the next window. Human girls were far too loud, wouldn't go to sleep for hours, and he was alarmed by one girl's bright red shorts.

Slowly moving on, the sheep came to a far more pleseant window. The room inside was unlit, muggy, and inhabited by two gently sleeping human boys. Terrence smiled. Perfect

You must understand, these were highly athletic sheep. Not very bright, certainly, but Terrance did most of the thinking for them. By climbing up the tower and making a sheep rope of sorts by biting the wool of their neighbor sheep, the herd managed to squeeze, push, and jam every last mutton into the room. The human boys, also known as Joel Brown and David Tate, were in a Ninja-induced coma or sorts and were sound asleep. Even having a herd of sheep snuggle into bed beside them could not disturb their slumber. The arrangements were ideal but for one small detail: the Human boy with the incredibly long legs (David) was snoring quite loudly. This too was soon taken care of by a large and extremely woolly sheep sitting on David's face. The snores were quite muffled then.

The night passed quickly and the morning rose like a brightly-colored sponge: Cheerful but slightly damp. David the Human stretched and accidentally hit Terrence the Sheep and several other of the herd in the noggin with his lengthy tibia (a human shinbone). The sheep "BaaaaaAAA!"-ed in quietly in upset anger. They had come in peace to share the room and what had they been greeted with in the morning? A TIBIA TO THE HEAD, THATS WHAT! Suffice it to say, their wool was steamed. So, what else could they do? They plotted revenge.  

Still sound asleep, the sheep bundled away Joel and David the Humans, sliding them down the sheep's backs and onto a plush trampoline of sheep huddled together into a circular formation. Two sheep were chose from the herd: A brown sheep and a tall black sheep. With a nice toupee Joel and David toupee, they were perfect impostors for their human counterparts. Little did Joel and David the Humans, snoozing on the sheep bed as it wandered aimlessly over the countryside, realize that their woolly twins were bundled up in their bunk beds, lying in wait and nibbling on the pillows for a nice snack.


Thursday, June 2, 2011

How to Subscribe to Writer's Block

Several people have commented that they cannot figure out how to subscribe/follow my blog. By subscribing you can post your comments, send messages, and show your support. You can also have the blog posts emailed to you. Here is a simple (hopefully) guide:
1) Go Writer's Block homepage.
2) Scroll down until you see a group of colorful picture boxes about the size of your pinkie under grey letters that say "Followers" on the right-hand side. It is under my picture and the top read posts.
3) Click the colorful "Follow" button. A screen should pop up asking you to join Google Friends. Click yes and fill in info. Nothing happens besides being added as my subscriber when you sign up and you won't be spammed.
4)Choose a profile picture you want to appear in the "Followers" box.Nothing obscene or rude, please.
5) Finished! If you were successful, your picture would appear with the others in the "Followers" box.
6) Continue to read and enjoy Writer's Block and don't forget to comment!

Oh, and if you still don't wish to do that then you can show your support by tagging an article on facebook.

Fish 'n' Chips,

Kissy Lips All Round

Mi amigos and tomodachi (and friends!),
    I'm sitting at the chaparones's computer typing as fast as I can to get anything in before it's time to go upstairs and pack up again. Like last night. And every other night before. I love it.
    There seems to be a lot of love going around so far. David has a British stalker, Joel has a fan club, and the girls tease them mercilessly about it. You've probably already seen some evidence on facebook. There is even a huge kissy lips phone staring at me from the corner. And fit (cute) Brits from the cafe watching my friend Steph eat her ice cream cone. She just read that over my shoulder and kicked me.
    The scenery is beautiful (somethimes deadly), the people wonderful (sometimes drunk), and my travelmates pleseant (Mostly. sometimes tired and a few snore).
    Got to go, it's time to find some furry boots and ride a bike through the drippy countryside from the town where Shakespeare was struck with his ultimate inspiration: Kissy lips.
    Love and Other Forms of Chocolate,
-Hannah (ONE of the travelling S.I.C.O.s)