Thursday, May 31, 2012

My Tooth is Not Cheese and You Are Not An Elf

So yesterday I had the almost unbearable pleasure of going to the dentist's office and getting 4 fillings of fun. Long, painful fun. Like the kind of fun when you were little and playing with your friends and had to pee but didn't want to stop playing so you just held it, jumping after your buddies like a constipated penguin running from a polar bear. That kind of fun.

Dentist visits are actually ok usually. I get to lounge in the waiting room watching brain-numbing talkshows and have gotten quite a lot of chemistry homework done in that waiting room. The bubbly nurses lead you to a recliner, tie on the bib, and all you have to do is open your mouth as they work. In the past while getting work done I've fallen asleep. Its amazing how after the first hour you can become relaxed enough to sleep with a person's hands in your mouth.

Things were different this time, though. Very different. Here is what was racing through my mind:

Oh, leathery recliner chair! This is surprisingly comfortable. Why is it still going back...? Does the nurse realize that at this angle it would be easier to hang me by my toes? Nurse? NURSE?

Numbing gel before the needle, good stuff. GOOD GRAVY, that needle is the size of a GERBIL. At least its pre-numbed. Thats so ni-AHHhhhhEe! That is NOWHERE near the numbing gel area! Stop JIGGLING it!

MmmmmMmm, the whole right side of my face feels like jello. The Phantom of the Opera is Heeerrreeee!

Time to just relax as they *BRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE* SACRED HAMBURGERS, its a cavity! Not a drilling expedition to the center of the Earth!


Am I supposed to feel that? I really don't think I'm supposed to feel that...

You are a dentist, Ma'am, not the secret little elves employed by factories to punch the holes in Swiss cheese. My tooth is not GOUDA.

Dear Dentist, please don't assume that I can answer your questions about summer vacation plans or my thought on swimming in lakes while you have both your hands and a heavy duty drill in my mouth and not sound like a drowning fish. Sincerely, The Spittleous One.

I thought torture was outlawed as inhumane! INHUMANE!

I'm 90% sure i'm NOT supposed to feel that.

GARG! Just think of other things, Hannah, distracting things. Like counting the dentist's nosehairs.Or trying to solve an algebra problem in your head. Lol, right. School went out weeks ago, you forgot the names of your classes already.

Things are still feeling sore and I spent the rest of the day smiling with only half of my face (disturbing, let me tell you) but I am back to normal for now. Perhaps it is best to learn from the young and next time, before they have time to do anything horrible to my mouth, follow the suit of what my younger sister Glory did at her first dentist appointment: Bite 'em.

Poppies and Knockout-Gas,


(P.S. Pics and such shall be added soon! )