PUT. DOWN. THE. CAMERA.

The camera was a glorious, life-changing invention. It captured people and places and memories and has become as much an everyday part of life as breathing and tweeting. However with every great invention (and sci-fi movie) there is a dark side. Introducing: Camera Crimes.

1) Baby Pictures

It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone loves an adorable baby picture. Don't even try to deny it, boys, you know those peachy little chipmunk cheeks and anime eyes melt your macho hearts like butter on a hot engine or rifle or...something else manly. And what parents wouldn't want to capture the overwhelming cuteness of their baby before it grows into a terrifying toddler, an emotionally distraught middle schooler, and worse *shudder* a teenager. However there is a fine line between too cute... and torture.

Exhibit A: Good Baby Photo

Exhibit B: Bad Baby Photo

(Do you not SEE this? Obviously the small child is being eaten by a care bear.) 

You see adorable semi-nude baby photography. I see cold, shivering, sticky hours spent forced to cuddle with a wicker basket. Just imagine how this kid is going to react when he gets older. "You did WHAT? You took nude pictures of me stuffed in a peppermint jar and posted them on the internet?! MOM!"

2) Instagram
 Ahhh, the fabulous social media website and facebook tool that allows you to take pictures of anything, and I mean anything, put it through a variety of filters for instant photoshop, and show it to everyone you know. It only crosses the line to ridiculous when you begin taking pictures of everything else and calling them art. Like dirty dishes, ketchup bottles, and boogers.

Exhibit A: Good Instagram

                                           

Exhibit B: Bad Instagram

Inanimate objects are only the gateway drug which, as everyone knows, leads directly to...

3) Selfies

Exibit A: Good Selfies

Note: If you are someone who occasionally posts pictures of themselves on various social media networks please don't be offended. There is a difference between a tasteful picture of yourself and...the below. Most likely, hopefully, you are the first kind. 

Exibit B: Bad Selfies

The "Just checking my Facebook and accidentally took a picture..."

The "Oh! Coincidentally high enough to show cleavage!"

The "I turned it sideways so its totally justified!"

The "Peek-A-Boo Abs"

And you aren't fooling anyone with your "Unfiltered! <3 nbsp="nbsp" span="span">nonsense  If its unfiltered than why are your eyes violet and the edges of your face blurry? These kinds of pictures induce a want in the general public not to shoot people with cameras but just flat-out SHOOT people. Also, adding song lyrics does not make it ok. 

It is not flattering. It is not appealing. It is not sexy. Just say NO to duck lips. 

*Note: Not ALL girls*

Ladies and Gentleman, think before you click and post. Your future self will thank you.

Off to instagram my teddygrams,

_Hannah

P.S. Here's a nice serving of self-deprecation for anyone feeling offended (or convicted) after this blog post:

Quack, quack.

"The Hiding Place", aka, "The Book You Must Read NOW"

I just finished reading (and theres no denying it, sniffling) Corrie ten Boom's book "The Hiding Place". I literally began to read and didn't stop until I had turned the final page of revelations. Well, that's a lie. I did get some hot chocolate. But still.

Corrie ten Boom

If you haven't read this book, You. Need. To. Right now. After you finish reading this blog. It is simply amazing and definitely now on my list of top 5 books ever. I'm usually a person who avoids war, horror, and depression in book genres and movies but this is the exception.Yes, unspeakable things transpired in this book and it paints the bloody picture of what it was like to live in the times where Hitler is on your radio and concentration camps are an everyday horror. It also is one of the most inspiring and hope-filled books I have ever read. To live at the lowest condition of humanity and to praise God...not many people could do that.

The secret room

For me I have to say that my perspective on life has shifted from page 1 to the back cover. It really begins to put what is "unfair" in perspective. The trifling, everyday nuisances don't seem like that big of a deal. The Bible looks different, too. The Bible seems like a cheaply produced book you can find anywhere. Bookstore, libraries, even seedy motel rooms. To Corrie and the other women at her prison and concentration camp, it was priceless. To think that the same words that I might skim before I go back to reading my action adventure novel or go to bed with little thought or insight are the same words that a group of people, barely human, risked their lives to smuggle and spread? I think I'm going to put a little more thought into what I read tonight.

Jesus is Victor,

-Hannah

Signs the World is in the Handbasket

Humanity, I am disappointed in you. The constant stream of news about wars, violence, hunger, desperation, and death was bad enough. The day that I realized just how creepy the telletubies were (despite their awesome toaster), it was sad. But has the process of the degradation of the world finally reached the point where I'm on my running route passing a string of middle school buses, smile, and get multiple birds and other obscene hand gestures from the kids? Two days in a row? SERIOUSLY? The thought that comforts me is that I ever pass a school bus of 9th graders again I'm going to beam, point at me, make a Justin Beiber heart with my hands, then point at them and wink. Try and dodge them flying cooties, buster. Thats right, you can't run away because you are wearing your jeans at your knees with the boxers hanging out. HAHA!

Really though, i'm pretty sad with humanity. For example, the other day at Zumba. Me lovely friend M'-Jimmer and I had just suited up and were stretching to get ready for some salsa when one of the younger girls in our class turned to her friend, sighed, and said, "Gosh, I HATE my legs. They are SO fat. I wish I had yours." From a 90 something pound girl who is maybe even under the suggested weight. Of course this one comment sparked several rounds of the "Fat Game". It has to be played with 2+ people and the person who wins is the person who gets the most attention for complaining about how she is a size 2. What is wrong with you, people? Go eat some fries!

Another small but still irritating thing is the Unspoken Teenage Girl Dress Code. Did I miss a universal memo? Was I absent that day in Do Or Die Class? Am I the only one who sees this? I'm starting to think that i'm in some weird, alternate universe where they clone all the teenage girls after one person with not that great of a style sense. I'm the last person to be lecturing on what to or not to wear (hello, pink zebra print rain boots and floral skirt in Winter), but it is sad to see a group of 16 girls walking down the street and every last one is wearing the exact same thing: Uggs, leggings and shorty shorts or sweatpants, a sweatshirt from their high school, hair pulled up in a pony tail and a neon headband. Everywhere. Is there no originality anymore?

Of course there are some huge, world effecting concerns. Things like the fact that every day 115, 000 unborn babies are being murdered daily worldwide or that there are children starving in Africa. Small indicators too, though. Like the fact that Jersey Shore exists.

But there is a bright side to every handbasket. Especially if there is a tropical fruit assortment or perhaps some ugly cupcakes (muffins). Like that every day more and more people are exposed to Kpop, new Doctor Who episodes are being released, and more devices to kill lady bugs invented. (I really hate those things). And no matter how bad things get, I'll always have God, my family, and my friends. And chocolate. Especially chocolate.

Pineapple,

-Hannah

You're On Your Own, Rapunzel!

What do fat men, mysterious packages, and bankruptcy have in common? Thats right. It's Christmas.

It certainly doesn't feel like it, though. Wheres the snow? The surprise relatives? The carolers to use as moving targets in our snowball fights? For that matter, WHERES MY HAIR?

Sorry, its been a weird week. Since I was a wee muffin of a child I've had long hair. Of course I wasn't born with long hair and looked much like Dora the Explorer as a kid minus the backpack, and the map, and the fox and the Spanish heritage... Anyways! Since I was planning to be a princess when I grew up I decided that I must have long, Rapunzel-esq locks or lore. And I did. It just grew and grew like a brunette chia pet until it was here this summer (after I had cut off a few inches): 

I guess every princess has to grow up some day. Plus I was sick of getting tangled in my hair and waking up bound in a cocoon of hair in the morning. So was Laurel, Steph, or Victoria whenever they slept over. Oh, and of sitting on it. Besides choking thugs or pulling princes up towers, there wasn't much I could do with my super-locks. So, yesterday, it all came off. 

Let me rephrase that. I didn't go bald or bobbed, but I did cut off more than i've ever done before. Some people would say I still have long hair. I feel like a newly shaven monk, ready to don my scratchy robes and move to the nearest monastery. You know when people who have lost a appendage through accidents/war/freak golfing accidents explain how they can still feel the limb after its long gone? Same with my hair...only a lot less serious. I'll reach for my braid to twiddle with it during math and meet thin air. Oh, its so weird.

    

I've been wondering about why people grow so attached to their hair? (See what I did there? Ha ha- oh, forget it.) A scientist would say that it is "Any of the cylindrical, keratinized, often pigmented filaments characteristically growing from the epidermis of a mammal". A romantic would say it is a woman's crowning glory, the first thing people notice about you. The Bible talks about hair quite a lot. About not being vain about hair, Sampson and his miraculous hair, and all sorts of steamy similes in Song of Soloman. One such example is : 

"Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel. Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses." - S o' S 7:5  

(They don't call the Bible the greatest love letter ever written for nothing. Also possibly the longest one.)

Whatever the ultimate reason for the value of hair, men don't seem to particularly notice hair. Guys might notice a girl's hair from time to time but as to their own they seem to think of it as a bothersome bush that needs to be pruned from time to time and largely ignored. Well, American boys anyway. In Europe one of the things that set the men apart (besides their flawless fashion sense, buttery accents, and "handbags") was their hair. These were men who actually had a hairstyle. Who used products other than 2 in 1 Dandruff Shampoo. Who cared what their hair looked like. On the con side, i'm pretty sure they spend more time on their hair than I do. 

The more time that passes I like my new haircut more and more. Plus my family's hair grows super fast. One thing is for sure though; if I ever get locked in a tower i'm going to have to find my own way down.

Beware of Portly Men Sliding Down Your Chimney,
-Hannah