Learn From My Mistakes

In the past 18 years...I've made some really stupid mistakes. Mistakes like accidentally pulling fire alarms (yes, plural), and pushing my older brother down a flight of stairs (less accidental), and being overly-honest and telling a woman at the supermarket she looked like a fat pumpkin (let me clarify that all the above example happened in my childhood. mostly.). I think about situations and conversations and I sometimes wonder, was I just a wee bit insane? The answer is yes, but so is everyone else.

As I move on to write the next chapter of my life, here is some advice from the footnotes of my own experiences that will make life a little less crazy for you.  In other words, learn from mistakes. 

•           Don’t be afraid to hold the unpopular opinion.
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•           Having fun isn't hard…when you’ve got a library card.
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•          If you want an interesting or unique signature, figure out what you want it to look like before you turn 18.
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•           Never take candy from strangers. Unless it is a Reese's peanut butter cup.
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•         Normal isn't an attainable or definable goal.
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•           Do things that scare you. Not things like getting a full-back tattoo of a dolphin or watching “The Exorcist”, but even scarier things, like introducing yourself to a stranger or standing up for prayer.
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•           If you’re in a relationship where you think the other person would die without you: get out. Unless they are hanging off a cliff, in that case they really might die.
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•           If you have a question about God, or the Bible, etc. ASK. Humbly seek truth and wisdom. It’s not a sign of unbelief, it’s a sign of spiritual growth. God will prove true every time.
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•           Bowties are cool.
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•           Try every new experience at least twice. This does not apply to murder and wearing uggs.
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•           If someone calls you weird, a nerd, or a homeschooler, try to be humble as you thank them for their compliment.
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•           It can be hard to remember sometimes when we’re teaching them to use electronics, but our parents aren't stupid, they aren't your enemies. The family you are placed in is not a mistake. Always remember that your parents want the best for you and, believe it or not, can be some of your best friends.
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•           Life is too short to wear pants around the house.
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•           Always check for loose change under vending machines, in couches, and in the pockets of your winter coats. If you really want to find some dough look in your wealthier friend’s couch and coat.
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•           Your shirt should be tight enough to show you are a woman and loose enough to show you are a lady.
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•          Everyone is just a little insane.
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•           Find out what you want and become the kind of person you’d want to meet.
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•           You can’t change people, especially not through marriage. God is the only one who can truly mold a heart.
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•           Never lower your standards, except when you’re looking for a snack and haven’t gone grocery shopping in awhile.
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•     When someone angrily asks you, "Do you think you could do this better?!" don't say yes. 
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•           You are going to make mistakes. Small potatoes like failing a test and big mistakes like failing a friend.
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•           Learn to laugh at yourself.
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•           Always bring an emergency snack.
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•          Never miss the opportunity to compliment someone.
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•          Good friends validate you, great friends vindicate you.
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•           If you’re unhappy and single, you won’t be any happier being in a relationship.
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•           If you can’t touch your toes while wearing it, you probably shouldn't wear it. If you just can’t touch your toes, that’s really sad and you should stretch more.
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•           Never trust a person who wears turtlenecks. Or, when given the choice between vanilla and chocolate, chooses vanilla.
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•           You will never regret spending a little time with God and in His word. You will regret two straight hours of Angry Birds.
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•          Fall in Love, not in Lust.
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•           If you’re having fun but really have to pee, go pee. The party will still be there when you get back.
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•           No one is perfect. Seriously. Not even Orlando Bloom. Maybe.
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•           These are not the best years of your life.
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•           When in doubt of what to say, shut up. Then you’ll at least appear to be wise.
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•     If you like it... you should put a ring on it.
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•           Have a list of adults who you can go to for advice, guidance, and prayer. No matter how wonderful your friends are, they’re in the same mess.
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•           Never send exiled Arab princes money after they sends you a pleading email. And, I’m sorry to say, you are never the 100^th site visitor who won a free ipad.
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•           Read ravenously. Biographies, science fiction, mystery, Do-It-Yourself, the back of cereal boxes; it doesn't matter. Just find what interests you and pursue it.
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•           Just because you disagree doesn't mean you can’t be friends.
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•           Always buy the cheaper, offbrand version. This does not apply to Rolexes, parachutes, or meat.
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•           Wikipedia is not God.
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•           When cheating on a test don’t write, “Answers May Vary”. Scratch that, just don’t cheat. It always come back to bite you.
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•           Tea can solve more problems than you’d think.
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•           If you deliberately hurt  yourself, or wonder if death is an escape route, or cry yourself to sleep every night; get help. You’re not ok, but you’re not alone, either.
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•           Ignore every magazine advice column you've read on what guys do or do not like and how to act accordingly. If this is the man who is going to eventually witness your snoring,  your bizarre eating habits, and plunge your toilet he’d better love you for exactly who you are, cause that’s what he is getting.
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•           When trying to make a choice, ask yourself, “Will this decision matter to me in 5 years?”
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•           Don’t advertise what isn't for sale.
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•           Never try to cut your own hair, no matter how easy the youtube tutorial looks.
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•           Anyone can tell you you’re beautiful. Look for the guy who compliments you for non-physical reasons.
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•          Save your word documents every 15 minutes.
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•           Learn how to bake. It is an essential tool to succeeding at life.You think i'm joking but i'm not. 
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•           Don’t eat your feelings.
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•      Don't Google your medical symptoms. (Bruised shin? Bloody nose? Eye twitch? Surprise!You're dying.)
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•           Travel. Anywhere, everywhere. And don’t fall asleep on strangers while taking public transport.
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•           Don’t create an email address that contains the words princess, pink, die, bubbles, fluffy, sparkle, gurl spelled with a u, or really anything else you’d be ashamed to tell a future employer.
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•          And finally, give up trying to be who other people think you should be and meeting their expectations. God is the only person you should strive to please.

- Dance it out,

     Hannah 

How to Tell If You've Grown Up

You might be a 'grown up' if...

1. Have more than 3 keys on your keychain. Scratch that: Need a keychain.

2. Gone to medical appointments alone.

3. Gone grocery shopping and payed.

4. Know how to cook more than ramen and pbandj.

5.Appreciate naps.

6. Babies become cute, not drooling dumpling people. 

7. Have multiple plastic cards in your wallet.

8.Understand and fiercely grammer-nazi the difference between "you're" and "your"

9. Know when to say "Whom" but choose to say "Who" anyway because "Whom" sounds like Shakespeare making owl sounds.

10. Now take interest in "old people" hobbies like gardening and documentaries.

11. Cleaning, and not because someone told you to.

12. Holding intellectual discussions about politics, regardless of whether you understand what you're saying or not.

13. Go to bed before 10 o'clock.

14. You shower daily. Shower at all, really.

15. Being able to tell if an article of clothing is wrinkled or not.

16. Having the impulse to buy candles by the dozens and lighting them for ambiance when people visit.

17. Getting a cold doesn't mean you get to stay at home and watch "Blue's Clues" and drink sprite all day.

18. Thanksgiving in no longer about eating as much food as possible but about not overdoing it.

19. Christmas isn't the season where you get loads of presents but when you go bankrupt buying loads of presents.

20. Understand the historical significance of the 4th of July.

21. Can buy your own pop rocks and superglue.

22. Choose to watch kid's movies not because you're a kid but because you know they're better.

23. "What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up" becomes "Where Do You Want To Retire Some Day?"

24. When your realize 40 isn't ancient.

25. You call grown-ups by their first names.

26. Learning is a desire, not a duty.

27. You exercise.

28. Fast Food begins to taste less and less appetizing.

29. Have a viable love life. And your love interests aren't fictional characters. 

30. Eat whats good for you, not what you want. And think about calories. 

31. Thought about wrinkles and how to avoid them.

32. Appreciate classical music.

33. Have bills.

34. Have multiple important documents that aren't playing cards of any kind. 

35. Own more than 1 pair of sensible shoes.

36. You have "real clothes" and "comfortable clothes".

37. You've mourned a loved one, and i'm not talking about a dropped ice cream cone. 

38. You stop being a part of your parent's religion and begin experiencing God one-on-one. 

39. You've bought appliances. 

40. Knowing you'll never fully, truly, grow up.

 Peter Pan Syndrome,
-Hannah Hoo

PUT. DOWN. THE. CAMERA.

The camera was a glorious, life-changing invention. It captured people and places and memories and has become as much an everyday part of life as breathing and tweeting. However with every great invention (and sci-fi movie) there is a dark side. Introducing: Camera Crimes.

1) Baby Pictures

It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone loves an adorable baby picture. Don't even try to deny it, boys, you know those peachy little chipmunk cheeks and anime eyes melt your macho hearts like butter on a hot engine or rifle or...something else manly. And what parents wouldn't want to capture the overwhelming cuteness of their baby before it grows into a terrifying toddler, an emotionally distraught middle schooler, and worse *shudder* a teenager. However there is a fine line between too cute... and torture.

Exhibit A: Good Baby Photo

Exhibit B: Bad Baby Photo

(Do you not SEE this? Obviously the small child is being eaten by a care bear.) 

You see adorable semi-nude baby photography. I see cold, shivering, sticky hours spent forced to cuddle with a wicker basket. Just imagine how this kid is going to react when he gets older. "You did WHAT? You took nude pictures of me stuffed in a peppermint jar and posted them on the internet?! MOM!"

2) Instagram
 Ahhh, the fabulous social media website and facebook tool that allows you to take pictures of anything, and I mean anything, put it through a variety of filters for instant photoshop, and show it to everyone you know. It only crosses the line to ridiculous when you begin taking pictures of everything else and calling them art. Like dirty dishes, ketchup bottles, and boogers.

Exhibit A: Good Instagram

                                           

Exhibit B: Bad Instagram

Inanimate objects are only the gateway drug which, as everyone knows, leads directly to...

3) Selfies

Exibit A: Good Selfies

Note: If you are someone who occasionally posts pictures of themselves on various social media networks please don't be offended. There is a difference between a tasteful picture of yourself and...the below. Most likely, hopefully, you are the first kind. 

Exibit B: Bad Selfies

The "Just checking my Facebook and accidentally took a picture..."

The "Oh! Coincidentally high enough to show cleavage!"

The "I turned it sideways so its totally justified!"

The "Peek-A-Boo Abs"

And you aren't fooling anyone with your "Unfiltered! <3 nbsp="nbsp" span="span">nonsense  If its unfiltered than why are your eyes violet and the edges of your face blurry? These kinds of pictures induce a want in the general public not to shoot people with cameras but just flat-out SHOOT people. Also, adding song lyrics does not make it ok. 

It is not flattering. It is not appealing. It is not sexy. Just say NO to duck lips. 

*Note: Not ALL girls*

Ladies and Gentleman, think before you click and post. Your future self will thank you.

Off to instagram my teddygrams,

_Hannah

P.S. Here's a nice serving of self-deprecation for anyone feeling offended (or convicted) after this blog post:

Quack, quack.

Werewolves and Wardrobes

Its amazing the excuses I will come up with when going through my closet to get rid of unwanted stuff, it truly is.


"Obviously I will need this vest which looks like a enormous zippered wolf pelt sometime in the future."

"This skirt with the gut-ruffles that looks like someone vomited paisley and floral onto it might be cute if I cut it in half and tailored the edges. I'll keep it to work on later!"

"Ooooh, I just know I will need a zebra-print muu-muu someday!"

"Thick brown corduroy trousers that look like the bottom half of a bear costume? Oh, yes."

"I'm really not sure if this is a shirt, skirt, or Russian Circus Tent but I'll totally wear it someday."

Honestly, I had to just stop and listen to my excuses and realize how ridiculous I was being. But I am ashamed to admit I kept the wolf pelt vest.You never know! In fact, to justify my wolf vest, I have compiled a list of possible situations in which I would need it. Ahem.

1) Your pet can also enjoy this wardrobe gem! Hairless Cat too ashamed to prowl with it's furry feline friends? Zip it up into a wolf vest! Wiener dog feels intimidated by the larger dogs in the area? Nothing more impressive than a wolf pelt!

Something so wrong with this picture...

2) Everyone has seen the expensive, bear-skin throw rugs in mansions, right? The redneck version would be to simply unzipper the vest and, as the name suggests, throw it on the living room floor. Guests will ooh and aaah at our wolf-skin rug. Or sloth skin, it really could go as either.

3) Here's a sweet one. See the afore-mentioned bear corduroy pants? A perfect costume for next Halloween would to go as a wolf-bear hybrid. If thats not scary enough a little ketchup and poorly-applied green makeup could add that desirable zombie element. I dare anyone to tell me that a Wolf-Bear Hybrid Corduroy Zombie isn't scary.

4) Twilight Themed Party, anyone? I could use it as part of a inexpensive werewolf costume. All I would need to do is wear shorty jean shorts and a tank top. Then, at the party, I could transform into a werewolf by donning my vest. After the other partygoers re-gathered from the realistic transformation, I could shock them yet again by taking off the vest (aka transforming into my human form again). Voila! The only flaws to my Jacob costume would be my ability to keep my shirt on and to speak in full sentences.

BOOM.

As you've probably guessed, I cleaned out my closet today. And since I live in an unfinished basement and have no real closet, that means I cleaned out the swampy bottomless pit where clothes go to die in the corner of my room. For months, years, I have been fighting a losing battle against this corner. It has been sucking stray clothes, shoes, and my soul into its depths for to long and today I vanquished it forever. Or until I get a bunch of new clothes and the layers begin to build.

Well, I must dash. I see a poncho slowly inching its way to the corner in vain hope of beginning a new black hole of clothes. NOT TODAY, PONCHO!

Mischievous MuuMuus,

_Hannah

"Valentine's Day!" aka "Discount Chocolate Eve!"

So it's Valentine's Day. Desperation Day. The National Celebration of Love. Or, as I like to call it, Discount Chocolate Eve. (FYI, I did write this on V-Day but forgot to post it until now. Fail.)

Once again the year finds me alone. Still missing my better half, the Romeo to my Juliet, the Rhett to my Scarlet (or Link?), the Pepper to my Salt, the Peanut Butter to my Jelly, the Mustard to my Ketchup, the Prince Charming to my Damsel in Distress, the Punch-line to my Joke.

"But how could that be?!" you cry out. "You are so witty and charming and beautiful!" (Ahem. Say it.SAY IT.)

The real truth to the matter, in all honesty, is that it really doesn't bother me. Many of my friends who find themselves single on this holiday are heartbroken, sobbing as they watch romantic comedies and eating Nutella straight from the jar. "WHY?" they wail, "I am destined to be forever alone!"

When I woke up this morning though, the first thought in my head was "It's snowing!" followed by "Where did these socks come from that i'm wearing? I've never seen them before..." and then, somewhere in the back of my head, "Isn't today Valentine's Day? More sweets for me!" I've never really had that panic of being single before, the fear of becoming a crazy old cat lady in the wilderness. I mean, c'mon. Obviously I will be either an old fish lady or an old hedgehog lady. Get real, people.

All joking aside, I really have never panicked about not having a boyfriend. I guess since I've never outright tried to pursue dating that I don't feel like I've failed or am missing out on anything. Maybe when I'm a bit older I'll be more regretful with a lonely Valentine's Day. But which is worse? Having a boyfriend who doesn't do anything to express his love on Valentine's Day or to be single and still have a mystery future to look forward to? Plus asking someone out just to not be alone on Febuary 14th seems unfair to all involved. 

Speaking of expressing love, I really feel sorry for guys sometimes. They are expected to pull out all the stops and wine and dine the special girl in their life at any cost. Expectations can be so high that there is no way to meet them. On the other hand, though, they don't get out of not doing anything. Just because a guy can't buy a hot air balloon or take his wife on a trip to Paris doesn't mean he shouldn't ignore the holiday completely. If you are with the right girl who doesn't expect diamonds and caviar than any effort, even just buying her favorite flowers or taking her out to eat at a place she likes, is appreciated and sweet. Sometimes it really is the thought that counts.

For all you single ladies (and gents), here is a list to remind you of the perks of being single on V-Day:

-Sleeping in.
-Sweat pants and pjs are your new best friends.
-Comb? Razor? Shampoo? What are these things you speak of?
-Less people to buy gifts for, more money!
-Too bad I don't have to share all my chocolate with someone else. TOO BAD.

And for everyone who has found their special someone (always makes them sound like a ring of keys or an overdue library book), here is a list of pros:

- Those ooey-gooey butterflies in your stomach are going to be working overtime.
- Surprises and Sweet Gestures.
-Getting cards from someone other than family members.

So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not joining the "I'm single and proud and crying on the inside" women's parade or the "Oh honey-boo I LUV U 4-EVA'!" gang. I'm perfectly happy spending the day expressing my love to my family and friends and chocolate. Oh, and in the arms of my one true love: my scarlet snuggie.

And wearing my bunnie hat.

Love and Other Forms of Chocolate,

-Hannah
(Maybe I went overboard on the gifs this time...)

I Pray Bingo Over Ye Cards!

Everything is hunky-dory: People lift their hands and sing with hearts full; the worship band is really bringing the house down; the sanctuary is simply skinny-dipping in the glory and the majesty of God. And then the scary part comes.

Worship is brought to a close and the pastor stands to pray over the children going off to their Sunday school classes to make art of Jesus in elbow macaroni and Elmers. However as everyone bends their heads to pray, you know that its not Lil' Jimmy they are thinking about but what awkward version of Pastoral Simon Says you are going to play today. Here are a few examples:

"Turn to your neighbor and hug them this morning!"

"Now go and meet someone new this morning!"

"Hold hands with the person next to you while we close in prayer."

"Tell your neighbor you love them!"

Its all good for the pastor up at the pulpit, smiling beatifically as he watches everyone shuffle and mumble apologies. Thats all fine and dandy for him, he got the lifetime pass from Pastoral Simon Says when he graduated seminary. The Catholics have it all worked out, too. Sometime in history a catholic got the bright idea of confession boxes. You literally get into a box and communicate through a wooden lattice. Brilliance.

Its not that i'm scared of people or anything. There was that phase I went through where i planned to become a hermit in Hawaii, riding wild dolphins and living on stockpiles of Reese's in my posh hermit cave. However even the most sociable person doesn't want to hold hands with a total stranger and then embrace them though. Actually...now that I think of it I know a lot of people who would do that. But they would do it expecting never having to see the stranger again. When you go to church with them you smile at them every week in passing and remember them as that one person with the sharp rings or sweaty thumbs.


While perhaps its my job to rise to the occasion and be more sociable when declaring love to my pew neighbors I have a new game suggestion for churches: Icebreakers. Why not give the congregation a hand next Sunday and give a specific question? Or better yet, play charades. Monopoly. ANYTHING.If the pastor asks the congregation to go any farther than shaking hands one Sunday I might just resort to a game of "Which Communion Cup if the Bread Under?" in the aisle.

Holy Hand Sanitizer,
-Hannah