PUT. DOWN. THE. CAMERA.

The camera was a glorious, life-changing invention. It captured people and places and memories and has become as much an everyday part of life as breathing and tweeting. However with every great invention (and sci-fi movie) there is a dark side. Introducing: Camera Crimes.

1) Baby Pictures

It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone loves an adorable baby picture. Don't even try to deny it, boys, you know those peachy little chipmunk cheeks and anime eyes melt your macho hearts like butter on a hot engine or rifle or...something else manly. And what parents wouldn't want to capture the overwhelming cuteness of their baby before it grows into a terrifying toddler, an emotionally distraught middle schooler, and worse *shudder* a teenager. However there is a fine line between too cute... and torture.

Exhibit A: Good Baby Photo

Exhibit B: Bad Baby Photo

(Do you not SEE this? Obviously the small child is being eaten by a care bear.) 

You see adorable semi-nude baby photography. I see cold, shivering, sticky hours spent forced to cuddle with a wicker basket. Just imagine how this kid is going to react when he gets older. "You did WHAT? You took nude pictures of me stuffed in a peppermint jar and posted them on the internet?! MOM!"

2) Instagram
 Ahhh, the fabulous social media website and facebook tool that allows you to take pictures of anything, and I mean anything, put it through a variety of filters for instant photoshop, and show it to everyone you know. It only crosses the line to ridiculous when you begin taking pictures of everything else and calling them art. Like dirty dishes, ketchup bottles, and boogers.

Exhibit A: Good Instagram

                                           

Exhibit B: Bad Instagram

Inanimate objects are only the gateway drug which, as everyone knows, leads directly to...

3) Selfies

Exibit A: Good Selfies

Note: If you are someone who occasionally posts pictures of themselves on various social media networks please don't be offended. There is a difference between a tasteful picture of yourself and...the below. Most likely, hopefully, you are the first kind. 

Exibit B: Bad Selfies

The "Just checking my Facebook and accidentally took a picture..."

The "Oh! Coincidentally high enough to show cleavage!"

The "I turned it sideways so its totally justified!"

The "Peek-A-Boo Abs"

And you aren't fooling anyone with your "Unfiltered! <3 nbsp="nbsp" span="span">nonsense  If its unfiltered than why are your eyes violet and the edges of your face blurry? These kinds of pictures induce a want in the general public not to shoot people with cameras but just flat-out SHOOT people. Also, adding song lyrics does not make it ok. 

It is not flattering. It is not appealing. It is not sexy. Just say NO to duck lips. 

*Note: Not ALL girls*

Ladies and Gentleman, think before you click and post. Your future self will thank you.

Off to instagram my teddygrams,

_Hannah

P.S. Here's a nice serving of self-deprecation for anyone feeling offended (or convicted) after this blog post:

Quack, quack.

Jewfro, Neo, and Frozen Dairy Treat Justice

Its 7:30 a.m. and I'm riding a metrobus of fictional proportions into the city to my job serving at the tea room. It feels like I'm a Hot Wheels in the hands of a toddler the way it rattles and shakes when the drowsy bus driver (Who I imagine has a name like Latashia of Dareen judging from her flash-frozen dyed red hair) hit a curb a second ago. I half except to find a peeling "Made In China" sticker on the bottom of my surprisingly plush seat but I'm sure all I'd really find is vagabond pocket change and business cards.

That being said, I quite enjoy public transport. There are several familiar faces this morning. Perhaps most interesting is the freakishly tall man wearing headphones to drown out his loud pepto-pink shirt who is the spitting image of Neo from the Matrix. I, Hannah Musick, ride the metro with Sad Keanu.

The whiskery forensics prof. from a city university has finished the toddler-sized tome he has been working on all week and is snoring gently, his waffling white sneakers tucked together under the seat. How he can sleep next to lively Richard, the guy in head-to-toe scrubs working the night shift to support his university studies in funeral directing, is beyond me.

An older woman, new to the commuter crowd, is reading a horribly produced newspaper and, I believe, a blond wig.I can forgive wearing a wig weather for fasion or illness but why, oh why would you choose the flaxen mullet look when there are so many other options out there? Oh, look! Cute Asian College Student is back and being a dependable and good student unlike Sir Jewfro that only bothers to come a few days a week and won't stop playing Angry Birds and loudly sipping a Slurpee.Shame on you, Sir Jewfro. You are a disgrace to your hair. 

When you spend enough time commuting you begin to learn how to spot little indicators of just how trustworthy a person might be. 50 year old women with a blouse from Khols and ladybugs embroidered on her shoes who is staring at me like I might steal her grandmother's angel cake recipe? The worst thing shes going to do is not tell you about a hot sale at Sears.

Now the geriatric man who has turned grey and wrinkly like an elephant hide and is making a-ok signs at his lips, staring his pink eyes at a kid down the train until they meet and there is much rustling of a Foot Locker bag however? Yeah, Grandpa might not make the most stable travelling buddy.

However there is a formula to avoid these shady jades that you can employ any time you have to commute or walk through a creepy neighborhood. I even arranged it into a unnecessary and totally unrelated anagram GET 'EM:

G.lasses
E.ye contact
T.exting


'E.arphones
M.ace

Its pretty simple: Wear sun glasses, avoid eye contact, text someone/or call them to avoid talking to creeps, wear earphones (sound optional), and have emergency mace on your person. Trying to get your attention through any of your Get 'Em defenses takes too much effort for the petty creeps and the serious ones should back off if you ever had to pull the mace (which I've never had or think I'll have to, but its just a safety precaution. And I'm a bit trigger happy). Above all pray for protection, trust your gut, and don't be stupid. If a twitchy man in a white van offers you free candy be smart and just say no. Unless maybe if its a peanut butter cup of course.

I'm currently in the stage of life where people begin to take your answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up, Little Girl?" seriously. (Which is unfortunate because for most of my childhood years the answer was , "A princess mermaid" or "Peter Pan's Wife". This doesn't fly anymore.) With all the soul searching, college searching, and transcript credit searching you come to a point where it isn't about finding your destined major anymore, its about finding any acceptable major. Through all this inner thought and snacking while doing said inner thought I can conclude that I do have a driving passion in life: Ice cream. Or rather, the fillings in ice creams.

How many times have you gotten a cone of delicious cookie-dough, peanut-butter cup, moose tracks, or any other ice cream with a filling only to bite in and find that you have been unjustly jipped and have only a mundane vanilla scoop? "This is no cookies and cream!", you scream to the cold skies, "if anything its cream with a chance of cookies!" I may be the next Martin King Jr. of frozen dairy treats, bringing equality and truth to bombast the lies and deceitful packaging of Frozen Treat Giants. ENOUGH, I say. GIVE ME COOKIE DOUGH, OR GIVE ME DEATH. OR AT LEAST A REASONABLE DISCOUNT.

Chill Complaints,
Hannah