PUT. DOWN. THE. CAMERA.

The camera was a glorious, life-changing invention. It captured people and places and memories and has become as much an everyday part of life as breathing and tweeting. However with every great invention (and sci-fi movie) there is a dark side. Introducing: Camera Crimes.

1) Baby Pictures

It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone loves an adorable baby picture. Don't even try to deny it, boys, you know those peachy little chipmunk cheeks and anime eyes melt your macho hearts like butter on a hot engine or rifle or...something else manly. And what parents wouldn't want to capture the overwhelming cuteness of their baby before it grows into a terrifying toddler, an emotionally distraught middle schooler, and worse *shudder* a teenager. However there is a fine line between too cute... and torture.

Exhibit A: Good Baby Photo

Exhibit B: Bad Baby Photo

(Do you not SEE this? Obviously the small child is being eaten by a care bear.) 

You see adorable semi-nude baby photography. I see cold, shivering, sticky hours spent forced to cuddle with a wicker basket. Just imagine how this kid is going to react when he gets older. "You did WHAT? You took nude pictures of me stuffed in a peppermint jar and posted them on the internet?! MOM!"

2) Instagram
 Ahhh, the fabulous social media website and facebook tool that allows you to take pictures of anything, and I mean anything, put it through a variety of filters for instant photoshop, and show it to everyone you know. It only crosses the line to ridiculous when you begin taking pictures of everything else and calling them art. Like dirty dishes, ketchup bottles, and boogers.

Exhibit A: Good Instagram

                                           

Exhibit B: Bad Instagram

Inanimate objects are only the gateway drug which, as everyone knows, leads directly to...

3) Selfies

Exibit A: Good Selfies

Note: If you are someone who occasionally posts pictures of themselves on various social media networks please don't be offended. There is a difference between a tasteful picture of yourself and...the below. Most likely, hopefully, you are the first kind. 

Exibit B: Bad Selfies

The "Just checking my Facebook and accidentally took a picture..."

The "Oh! Coincidentally high enough to show cleavage!"

The "I turned it sideways so its totally justified!"

The "Peek-A-Boo Abs"

And you aren't fooling anyone with your "Unfiltered! <3 nbsp="nbsp" span="span">nonsense  If its unfiltered than why are your eyes violet and the edges of your face blurry? These kinds of pictures induce a want in the general public not to shoot people with cameras but just flat-out SHOOT people. Also, adding song lyrics does not make it ok. 

It is not flattering. It is not appealing. It is not sexy. Just say NO to duck lips. 

*Note: Not ALL girls*

Ladies and Gentleman, think before you click and post. Your future self will thank you.

Off to instagram my teddygrams,

_Hannah

P.S. Here's a nice serving of self-deprecation for anyone feeling offended (or convicted) after this blog post:

Quack, quack.

The Girl Who Played With Fire

Hey, you! Yes, you! Check out this trailer for the upcoming movie "The Hunger Games". Almost always the movie isn't as good as the book (Percy Jackson, anyone?), but that doesn't mean that every Hunger Games fan won't be sticking to movie theater floors everywhere in march to see the movie spinoff:

Still not convinced? Fine.

Katniss...

Katniss and Gale...

Peeta...

Did I mention Peeta?

May The Odds Ever Be In Your Favor (And read the books first!),
-Hannah

The Exploits and Aliases of Emma: Streaker Extraordinaire

Emma is an enigma. Part 4 year old sister, part adorable blonde midget, part fruit loop, part hidden evil mastermind. In my mother's own words, "She is the most bizarre child." (Obviously she has forgotten my
childhood...)

Usually a jolly little elf, Emma ran to me this morning and clutched my leg, weeping. It was sudden, becaause i'd seen her only a moment earlier passionately kissing a door. She claims she was prodded with a garden tool by Glory (Most Wanted Sisiter #2). Who knows if it really did happen or what Emma did to provoke Glory, but in the end her fashion choices saved her hide. Nothing could pierce the multiple layers of leotards, frilly blouses, sweaters with embroidered Eskimos, and corduroy jumpers she wears. Jumpers, plural. Oh, and a tutu.

From the moment she was born she has been...unusual. I still remember playing with her when she was a freshly-baked little bun of a baby with crystal blue eyes and a a blonde, Vulcan-like hairstyle. Truly, she looked like a her mother was an angel and her father Spock. Anyway, so there we are. I, waving my arms around and contorting my face like a fool to entertain her. Emma, sitting in her car seat and laughing at this strange creature before her. In a, what I thought, show of sisterly affection she reached up and grabbed my hand. Smiling sweetly, she bit. For a toothless toddler her bite was worse than her bark. I can truthfully say that while she was growing out of her baby-hood I was nearly gummed to death several times.

I love her to cupcakes, but there have been trying circumstances. Most teenagers will invent a plethora of excuses why their homework is late:

"I accidentally put it in the offering at Church!"


"The school bully stole it from me at lunch!"


"Well, you see, I have this medical condition..."


"I was speeding and the cop took my essay to hold against me in court."


"I was abducted by aliens and they are currently using my homework to learn about the human mind."


"My/A (animal) ate it."


"It was pick-pocketed!"


"Oh, the book publisher has it to review for becoming their next novel."

You get the jist. Well, I have a honest-to-goodness excuses why my homework is missing, thanks to my lovely sister:

"Sorry, my sister found my homework and chewed it up."


"Oh, that paper! My sister Emma colored on it."


"The math problems were all done but my sister buried it in the garden for "treasure hunt"."


and, my favorite,


"I'm sorry, I had it completed but my little sister Emma peed on it."

Yes, peed. All over the literature assignment that I had hand-written. The potty-training years were hard on us all.

I no longer have to say, "What child? The one kissing that stranger's car? Nope, don't know her." Emma has started to give out aliases and completely re-writing her life story. At the doctor's office, for example:

Disco Doctor (thats a whole other story): "So, whats your name little girl?"

Emma: "Christina Georgey."

Me: "No, its not. It's Emma."

Emma (completely serious): "No. I'm Alice Georgy."

Me: "You said Christina."

Emma (Patting my knee pityingly): "You are wroooooong, Hannah.It's my new names."

When my Dad went to go pick-up Emma from the sunday school of a church we were visiting, the teacher looked shocked to see him. Emma quickly cleared up the confusion for everyone. "Oh, Daddddy! You are my other Daddy. My first Daddy died in the war. But then I married you!" Really, how long will it take these big-people to understand the simplest things?

Despite years of experience with the mysterious midget, she still manages to surprise me. Who wouldn't do a double-take when they glanced out the window to see their little sister, buck-naked, streaking with wild abandon through the yard for everyone to see?

This is exactly what she looked like. Only, more secretive and less frosting.

So thats it for now, its been awhile since I checked on my sisters and they've been scarily quiet. Past times when this has happened i've found them doing such delightful childhood activities such as, oh you know, having a tea party with creek water and a tea-time snack of rocks and dirt (which Emma tried to eat). Oh, or hunting down one of my friends and pantsing them. Yes, this really has happened. Or hosting stuffed-animal cage fighting in the garage. But, come what may, life is never dull with Emma around. Hilariously humiliating, maybe.But never dull.

I love you, Emma.

My sisters are the darndest things,
-Hannah