How to Tell If You've Grown Up

You might be a 'grown up' if...

1. Have more than 3 keys on your keychain. Scratch that: Need a keychain.

2. Gone to medical appointments alone.

3. Gone grocery shopping and payed.

4. Know how to cook more than ramen and pbandj.

5.Appreciate naps.

6. Babies become cute, not drooling dumpling people. 

7. Have multiple plastic cards in your wallet.

8.Understand and fiercely grammer-nazi the difference between "you're" and "your"

9. Know when to say "Whom" but choose to say "Who" anyway because "Whom" sounds like Shakespeare making owl sounds.

10. Now take interest in "old people" hobbies like gardening and documentaries.

11. Cleaning, and not because someone told you to.

12. Holding intellectual discussions about politics, regardless of whether you understand what you're saying or not.

13. Go to bed before 10 o'clock.

14. You shower daily. Shower at all, really.

15. Being able to tell if an article of clothing is wrinkled or not.

16. Having the impulse to buy candles by the dozens and lighting them for ambiance when people visit.

17. Getting a cold doesn't mean you get to stay at home and watch "Blue's Clues" and drink sprite all day.

18. Thanksgiving in no longer about eating as much food as possible but about not overdoing it.

19. Christmas isn't the season where you get loads of presents but when you go bankrupt buying loads of presents.

20. Understand the historical significance of the 4th of July.

21. Can buy your own pop rocks and superglue.

22. Choose to watch kid's movies not because you're a kid but because you know they're better.

23. "What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up" becomes "Where Do You Want To Retire Some Day?"

24. When your realize 40 isn't ancient.

25. You call grown-ups by their first names.

26. Learning is a desire, not a duty.

27. You exercise.

28. Fast Food begins to taste less and less appetizing.

29. Have a viable love life. And your love interests aren't fictional characters. 

30. Eat whats good for you, not what you want. And think about calories. 

31. Thought about wrinkles and how to avoid them.

32. Appreciate classical music.

33. Have bills.

34. Have multiple important documents that aren't playing cards of any kind. 

35. Own more than 1 pair of sensible shoes.

36. You have "real clothes" and "comfortable clothes".

37. You've mourned a loved one, and i'm not talking about a dropped ice cream cone. 

38. You stop being a part of your parent's religion and begin experiencing God one-on-one. 

39. You've bought appliances. 

40. Knowing you'll never fully, truly, grow up.

 Peter Pan Syndrome,
-Hannah Hoo

Jewfro, Neo, and Frozen Dairy Treat Justice

Its 7:30 a.m. and I'm riding a metrobus of fictional proportions into the city to my job serving at the tea room. It feels like I'm a Hot Wheels in the hands of a toddler the way it rattles and shakes when the drowsy bus driver (Who I imagine has a name like Latashia of Dareen judging from her flash-frozen dyed red hair) hit a curb a second ago. I half except to find a peeling "Made In China" sticker on the bottom of my surprisingly plush seat but I'm sure all I'd really find is vagabond pocket change and business cards.

That being said, I quite enjoy public transport. There are several familiar faces this morning. Perhaps most interesting is the freakishly tall man wearing headphones to drown out his loud pepto-pink shirt who is the spitting image of Neo from the Matrix. I, Hannah Musick, ride the metro with Sad Keanu.

The whiskery forensics prof. from a city university has finished the toddler-sized tome he has been working on all week and is snoring gently, his waffling white sneakers tucked together under the seat. How he can sleep next to lively Richard, the guy in head-to-toe scrubs working the night shift to support his university studies in funeral directing, is beyond me.

An older woman, new to the commuter crowd, is reading a horribly produced newspaper and, I believe, a blond wig.I can forgive wearing a wig weather for fasion or illness but why, oh why would you choose the flaxen mullet look when there are so many other options out there? Oh, look! Cute Asian College Student is back and being a dependable and good student unlike Sir Jewfro that only bothers to come a few days a week and won't stop playing Angry Birds and loudly sipping a Slurpee.Shame on you, Sir Jewfro. You are a disgrace to your hair. 

When you spend enough time commuting you begin to learn how to spot little indicators of just how trustworthy a person might be. 50 year old women with a blouse from Khols and ladybugs embroidered on her shoes who is staring at me like I might steal her grandmother's angel cake recipe? The worst thing shes going to do is not tell you about a hot sale at Sears.

Now the geriatric man who has turned grey and wrinkly like an elephant hide and is making a-ok signs at his lips, staring his pink eyes at a kid down the train until they meet and there is much rustling of a Foot Locker bag however? Yeah, Grandpa might not make the most stable travelling buddy.

However there is a formula to avoid these shady jades that you can employ any time you have to commute or walk through a creepy neighborhood. I even arranged it into a unnecessary and totally unrelated anagram GET 'EM:

G.lasses
E.ye contact
T.exting


'E.arphones
M.ace

Its pretty simple: Wear sun glasses, avoid eye contact, text someone/or call them to avoid talking to creeps, wear earphones (sound optional), and have emergency mace on your person. Trying to get your attention through any of your Get 'Em defenses takes too much effort for the petty creeps and the serious ones should back off if you ever had to pull the mace (which I've never had or think I'll have to, but its just a safety precaution. And I'm a bit trigger happy). Above all pray for protection, trust your gut, and don't be stupid. If a twitchy man in a white van offers you free candy be smart and just say no. Unless maybe if its a peanut butter cup of course.

I'm currently in the stage of life where people begin to take your answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up, Little Girl?" seriously. (Which is unfortunate because for most of my childhood years the answer was , "A princess mermaid" or "Peter Pan's Wife". This doesn't fly anymore.) With all the soul searching, college searching, and transcript credit searching you come to a point where it isn't about finding your destined major anymore, its about finding any acceptable major. Through all this inner thought and snacking while doing said inner thought I can conclude that I do have a driving passion in life: Ice cream. Or rather, the fillings in ice creams.

How many times have you gotten a cone of delicious cookie-dough, peanut-butter cup, moose tracks, or any other ice cream with a filling only to bite in and find that you have been unjustly jipped and have only a mundane vanilla scoop? "This is no cookies and cream!", you scream to the cold skies, "if anything its cream with a chance of cookies!" I may be the next Martin King Jr. of frozen dairy treats, bringing equality and truth to bombast the lies and deceitful packaging of Frozen Treat Giants. ENOUGH, I say. GIVE ME COOKIE DOUGH, OR GIVE ME DEATH. OR AT LEAST A REASONABLE DISCOUNT.

Chill Complaints,
Hannah

"Valentine's Day!" aka "Discount Chocolate Eve!"

So it's Valentine's Day. Desperation Day. The National Celebration of Love. Or, as I like to call it, Discount Chocolate Eve. (FYI, I did write this on V-Day but forgot to post it until now. Fail.)

Once again the year finds me alone. Still missing my better half, the Romeo to my Juliet, the Rhett to my Scarlet (or Link?), the Pepper to my Salt, the Peanut Butter to my Jelly, the Mustard to my Ketchup, the Prince Charming to my Damsel in Distress, the Punch-line to my Joke.

"But how could that be?!" you cry out. "You are so witty and charming and beautiful!" (Ahem. Say it.SAY IT.)

The real truth to the matter, in all honesty, is that it really doesn't bother me. Many of my friends who find themselves single on this holiday are heartbroken, sobbing as they watch romantic comedies and eating Nutella straight from the jar. "WHY?" they wail, "I am destined to be forever alone!"

When I woke up this morning though, the first thought in my head was "It's snowing!" followed by "Where did these socks come from that i'm wearing? I've never seen them before..." and then, somewhere in the back of my head, "Isn't today Valentine's Day? More sweets for me!" I've never really had that panic of being single before, the fear of becoming a crazy old cat lady in the wilderness. I mean, c'mon. Obviously I will be either an old fish lady or an old hedgehog lady. Get real, people.

All joking aside, I really have never panicked about not having a boyfriend. I guess since I've never outright tried to pursue dating that I don't feel like I've failed or am missing out on anything. Maybe when I'm a bit older I'll be more regretful with a lonely Valentine's Day. But which is worse? Having a boyfriend who doesn't do anything to express his love on Valentine's Day or to be single and still have a mystery future to look forward to? Plus asking someone out just to not be alone on Febuary 14th seems unfair to all involved. 

Speaking of expressing love, I really feel sorry for guys sometimes. They are expected to pull out all the stops and wine and dine the special girl in their life at any cost. Expectations can be so high that there is no way to meet them. On the other hand, though, they don't get out of not doing anything. Just because a guy can't buy a hot air balloon or take his wife on a trip to Paris doesn't mean he shouldn't ignore the holiday completely. If you are with the right girl who doesn't expect diamonds and caviar than any effort, even just buying her favorite flowers or taking her out to eat at a place she likes, is appreciated and sweet. Sometimes it really is the thought that counts.

For all you single ladies (and gents), here is a list to remind you of the perks of being single on V-Day:

-Sleeping in.
-Sweat pants and pjs are your new best friends.
-Comb? Razor? Shampoo? What are these things you speak of?
-Less people to buy gifts for, more money!
-Too bad I don't have to share all my chocolate with someone else. TOO BAD.

And for everyone who has found their special someone (always makes them sound like a ring of keys or an overdue library book), here is a list of pros:

- Those ooey-gooey butterflies in your stomach are going to be working overtime.
- Surprises and Sweet Gestures.
-Getting cards from someone other than family members.

So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not joining the "I'm single and proud and crying on the inside" women's parade or the "Oh honey-boo I LUV U 4-EVA'!" gang. I'm perfectly happy spending the day expressing my love to my family and friends and chocolate. Oh, and in the arms of my one true love: my scarlet snuggie.

And wearing my bunnie hat.

Love and Other Forms of Chocolate,

-Hannah
(Maybe I went overboard on the gifs this time...)

Grand Theft Ice Cream

image by xZorex on DeviantArt I did something bad today. For the greater cause, like an avenging Robin Hood of frozen dairy treats, but still. It all starts with an elderly sample woman... My family and I were roaming the mega-sized, dangerous concrete isles of Costco on the search for some elusive ball park wieners when we came to a sample stand. Sample stands are set up all over the super-store with various goodies and are all manned by what seems like every Grandmother in the local tri-state area. Most are named something like "Marge" or "Doris" or "Gertrude" and have poofy perms and drawn-on eyebrows. Despite one's particular affinity for Joker-esqe makeup, they are some of the sweetest ladies on the face of the earth. Never has been receiving a tasty treat been so nice. So, when my mom passed the little white cups of chocolate ice cream bar chunks out to the little girls, Jonmark, and I and realized that there was none left for her, she just shrugged and moved on. Feeling suddenly guilty that I had taken the last sample, I noticed that there were three more cups waiting on the rack on the back of the stand.  I waited until the lovely sample lady was chatting sweet potatoes with another customer and, under the guise of waving Jonmark to come over to our aisle, went to the back of the stand and grabbed an extra cup.  To my knowledge the lady never noticed, though I think one of the other shoppers might have given me the "Oh, no you DIDN'T!" eyebrows about breaking the sacred rule of taking only one sample per person. It was no Grand Theft Auto, but likely the most interesting crime I've committed today. In conclusion, I'm left with this thought: That was really good ice cream.  Like Stealing Ice Cream from a Sample Lady, -Hannah