Tuesday, May 20, 2014
1) If you find yourself sat at a place setting with more than one set of silverware, make good use of those spare suckers. Any kind of food can be given ears with some well-placed spoons and you're two forks away from being a walrus with nose-tusks.
2) If you have a wardrobe malfunction during the second course, just be confidant and disrobe completely. If you are at the table with someone who acts with such excellent manners, it is only polite to follow suit. Or should I say, birthday suit.
3) Instead of disgracing the chef by not eating your veggies, hide them. Some classic hiding places are smooshed under your plate, swimming in your glass, discreetly snuck onto your neighbor's plate, into your clothes and/or shoes, and into your dinner neighbor's clothes and/or shoes. Don't worry about hiding them well, its the thought that counts.
4) If the food is really good show your appreciation and make sure you stuff all your food in your face. All. of. it. AT ONCE. NOW. DO IT.
5) All this polite etiquette nonsense is exhausting but manners are important, even in sleep. So, when you're yawning and feeling a good nap coming on, seize the day. Food is the perfect pillow. *Beauty Bonus*: Go for the bread basket! The butter makes your hair silky and nothing is more attractive than the scent of garlic.
6) Single and ready to mingle? Turn any dinner into a speed dating event! When everyone is settled down and enjoying their food just jump into the lap of the person next to you and eat the food off their forks as its en route to their mouth. As romcom movies illustrate there is nothing more romantic than sharing food. However, if the person is rude and does not reciprocate your feelings, just hop into the next person's chair and so on. Don't worry, theres a lot of courses and always more fish in the sea. Or on the table.
7) It can be very awkward to go to a dinner party where you don't know anyone (Or alienated everyone by sitting in their laps and eating their food). But I digress. If you're in this situation, make your own friends out of food. Ignore those haters when they give you strange looks for having philosophical conversations with your mashed potato fella. They're just jealous of your friendship.
8) Just like many ancient cultures, burping is how you show your full approval of the course. Know how to burp in words? You're practically Martha Stewart.
9) Ever been in a situation where you want to secretly communicate with your friends but you're sitting at a table of keen-eared strangers? The solution: animal sounds. Owl hoots, horse neighs, whatever sound a fox makes: doesn't matter. Your friend might not understand you but neither will anyone else, and thats the important part.
10) Often at fancy dinners controversial subjects such as politics, religion, and bedtime negotiations will arise. If you find you are uncomfortable with the way the conversation is going or that your argument isn't being heard, make a swooshing sound and slide under the table. No one will debate distasteful subjects when its possible that their opponent could nibble on their toes at any moment.
NOTE: While all these are based on observation of my younger sister's past acts of etiquette at the dinner table, they don't act with such decorum all the time. Usually they are rude to an extreme: chewing with their mouths closed, making polite conversation, and eating all their carrots and brussel sprouts. Honestly, its embarrassing to be seen in public with such ignorant eaters. But I love them anyway.
Elbows on the Table,