Thursday, September 13, 2012

Fine Honeys and the Voice From Above

Being a librarian isn't horrible. Besides the shelving and removing petrified pizza pockets from clever hiding spots its pretty peachy. I'm sitting here, way too early to be awake (7:30 am, don't judge me. Its like the middle of the night if you aren't a morning person), munching on a granola bar I dug out of my mother's teacher closet and listening to the priest praying in Mass over the speakers. I would go somewhere else until the nasal droning was over but being a Catholic school building that my homeschool co-op only rents and thus there is a speaker in every room it would be futile. I think even the bathrooms have speakers installed. Honestly I'm just glad that the bathroom stalls have doors this year. Though perhaps the only time when its harder to pee without a door is when it sounds like a priest is praying above your head.

I've been thinking lately (Stop looking so shocked, I do use my cerebrum at full capacity every once in a while, just to make sure it still works) about the word "Beautiful". Sure its a lovely, positive word that, when complimented as beautiful or possessing something of beauty, will draw a grin. Yet I can't help but notice that it has become a scapegoat word. 

Scapegoat Word: The word to use when you can't think of a better one, the socially accepted praise word. 

(Definition as according to the Hannah-Hoo Dictionary, circa 1995.) 

Don't get me wrong, its flattering to be called or have something I've created called beautiful. (Though that's not the usual word people use to describe my blog. Quirky, nonsensical, and charmingly insane are the more common.) At the same time its similar to other scapegoat words like, "Wow", "Ok", "Nice", "Cool", and "Interesting". Like when someone shows you a picture of their newborn and its looks more like a mildly hairy Chinese dumpling than a baby but, due to having some social graces, you say, "Oh, how nice, she's beautiful!" See? Scapegoat words.

Due to this lack of imaginative positive descriptors I have complied a list of alternatives. It doesn't matter if you are complimenting a loved one, a painting, or yourself in a mirror. Get creative and give "Beautiful" a vacation (I'm talking to you, One Direction.) Whatever kind of compliment you choose to substitute with, try to be sincere. Like a convincing lie a convincing complement, even when trying to be nice about an ugly baby, must have a grain of truth. 

Swagalicious (Warning: Only acceptable if you are a multi-millionaire Canadian pop singer)
   and my all time favorite: 

Note that these words won't quite fit into all compliments. "Oh my Golden Goldfish, your eyes are _______!" would fit the majority in a way that "Guurl, you such a fine honey. *$#@, that booty be _______!" would not. Though perhaps if the delinquent backstreet boys that hang about outside the metro started upping their complements they would have more takers. Expletives and crude terms will get you nowhere but "My fair lady, your gluteus maximus is of a most rotund and aesthetically-appeasing curvature. Please, allow me to court you." will at least produce a slap instead of a spray of mace.

I hear the wild call of librarian, it sounds like sharpening pencils and the beep of a book scanner. Suddenly I feel the urge to wear a nametag, buy clothing with excessive amounts of brown 'n' beige, and wear sensible shoes. I might have to go deface some math books to regain my Hannah equilibrium. Or do my worldview class homework which consists of reading the textbook and trying not to burst out laughing when reading about "Pantheistic Worldview". Or, as I accidentally said in class, the "Panty-istic Worldview".

Cuddling Hedgehogs,


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