Friday, October 14, 2011

The Exploits and Aliases of Emma: Streaker Extraordinaire

Emma is an enigma. Part 4 year old sister, part adorable blonde midget, part fruit loop, part hidden evil mastermind. In my mother's own words, "She is the most bizarre child." (Obviously she has forgotten my

Usually a jolly little elf, Emma ran to me this morning and clutched my leg, weeping. It was sudden, becaause i'd seen her only a moment earlier passionately kissing a door. She claims she was prodded with a garden tool by Glory (Most Wanted Sisiter #2). Who knows if it really did happen or what Emma did to provoke Glory, but in the end her fashion choices saved her hide. Nothing could pierce the multiple layers of leotards, frilly blouses, sweaters with embroidered Eskimos, and corduroy jumpers she wears. Jumpers, plural. Oh, and a tutu.

From the moment she was born she has been...unusual. I still remember playing with her when she was a freshly-baked little bun of a baby with crystal blue eyes and a a blonde, Vulcan-like hairstyle. Truly, she looked like a her mother was an angel and her father Spock. Anyway, so there we are. I, waving my arms around and contorting my face like a fool to entertain her. Emma, sitting in her car seat and laughing at this strange creature before her. In a, what I thought, show of sisterly affection she reached up and grabbed my hand. Smiling sweetly, she bit. For a toothless toddler her bite was worse than her bark. I can truthfully say that while she was growing out of her baby-hood I was nearly gummed to death several times.

I love her to cupcakes, but there have been trying circumstances. Most teenagers will invent a plethora of excuses why their homework is late:

"I accidentally put it in the offering at Church!"

"The school bully stole it from me at lunch!"

"Well, you see, I have this medical condition..."

"I was speeding and the cop took my essay to hold against me in court."

"I was abducted by aliens and they are currently using my homework to learn about the human mind."

"My/A (animal) ate it."

"It was pick-pocketed!"

"Oh, the book publisher has it to review for becoming their next novel."

You get the jist. Well, I have a honest-to-goodness excuses why my homework is missing, thanks to my lovely sister:

"Sorry, my sister found my homework and chewed it up."

"Oh, that paper! My sister Emma colored on it."

"The math problems were all done but my sister buried it in the garden for "treasure hunt"."

and, my favorite,

"I'm sorry, I had it completed but my little sister Emma peed on it."

Yes, peed. All over the literature assignment that I had hand-written. The potty-training years were hard on us all.

I no longer have to say, "What child? The one kissing that stranger's car? Nope, don't know her." Emma has started to give out aliases and completely re-writing her life story. At the doctor's office, for example:

Disco Doctor (thats a whole other story): "So, whats your name little girl?"

Emma: "Christina Georgey."

Me: "No, its not. It's Emma."

Emma (completely serious): "No. I'm Alice Georgy."

Me: "You said Christina."

Emma (Patting my knee pityingly): "You are wroooooong, Hannah.It's my new names."

When my Dad went to go pick-up Emma from the sunday school of a church we were visiting, the teacher looked shocked to see him. Emma quickly cleared up the confusion for everyone. "Oh, Daddddy! You are my other Daddy. My first Daddy died in the war. But then I married you!" Really, how long will it take these big-people to understand the simplest things?

Despite years of experience with the mysterious midget, she still manages to surprise me. Who wouldn't do a double-take when they glanced out the window to see their little sister, buck-naked, streaking with wild abandon through the yard for everyone to see?

This is exactly what she looked like. Only, more secretive and less frosting.
So thats it for now, its been awhile since I checked on my sisters and they've been scarily quiet. Past times when this has happened i've found them doing such delightful childhood activities such as, oh you know, having a tea party with creek water and a tea-time snack of rocks and dirt (which Emma tried to eat). Oh, or hunting down one of my friends and pantsing them. Yes, this really has happened. Or hosting stuffed-animal cage fighting in the garage. But, come what may, life is never dull with Emma around. Hilariously humiliating, maybe.But never dull.

I love you, Emma.

My sisters are the darndest things,

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