Monday, March 28, 2011

Dentures, Oompa Lumpas, and a few Ninjas

You really start to re-evaluate your social life when you look forward to orthodontics. Suddenly that schedule book seems to look really empty when the most exciting thing planned for the evening is to put in my dentures. Not LITERAL dentures, but- well,lemme explain.

My long and sordid history with my orthodontist began when I was 9 and hasn't stopped yet. Apparently my parents bestowed me with naturally messed-up teeth so i've been correcting their twisted ways with braces, retainers, and this torturous looking steel device called a "Mara". My teeth, now straight and dazzling(ish) look pretty great except for weird shaped stains from my toothy past. Getting back to the dentures. They aren't actually dentures, more like...clear plastic teeth slipcovers. Basically it's this tray that I fill with bleach gel every night and sleep in. After a month or two of this my teeth should be pristine and white as the snow falling outside my window right now. Supposedly. Except I hope my teeth don't fall out, too.

 Anyway, this is what it looks like: 

Sad, I know, considering this is the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately. Getting bleaching trays. It's better than nothing, though. At least now I can complete my scary early-morning look. I wake up, groaning and grumbly trying to walk upstairs with my hands out (Frankenstein-style). My eyes are rolling around trying to stand the light of day and my hair is an alarming, quivering mass. If my sisters weren't already wary enough, I growl, reach up into my mouth, and rip out the entire top row of my teeth. Ahhh, I love the sound of fleeing munchkins in the morning. 

Here is a list of fun things you can to with bleaching trays/dentures:
-Scare people, obviously.
-Spray paint them gold (after you're done with them) for instant gangsta smile bling.
-The above, only with a bedazzle-er. 
-When you'r somewhere you're not supposed to be and someone walks use the old "Lost My Contact!" cover-up except with your see-through bleach tray. Then, when you "find" it, you wave it around triumphantly and then pop the fake/inviable tray into your mouth. It will not only distract the person but probably make them avoid you for the rest of their lives.
-Fill them with Jello and make sweet...teeth-flavored molds. Or not. That'd be kinda weird.

Come to think of it, something more exciting than my dental life did happen today. My older brother, Jonmark, is home from college on Spring Break! He looked like he was about to take a little snooze on his waffle tonight because of the recent "Bataan Death March" he went on. Before you start figmenting outrageous and creepy ideas as to what that might be, my brother is in R.O.T.C. So it's a military thing. In his own words it was, "A three day marathon with weights on our backs through the desert." Again, I admire the military, but I think i'd rather become a Math Teacher than join it. Considering that "becoming a math teacher" is somewhere in the top 10 worst things that could happen, #2 being Death, this is a serious statement. I can barely make it through one of my brother's war movies, let alone a 27 mile "Death March" with a 45 pound pack! 

He was one of the survivors when they returned from the wasteland, but his skin did not get so lucky. He was as red as the strawberries he heaped on his waffle at dinner. And, in a true man/older brother fashion, instead of just letting us admire his redneck (literally), he HAD to take off his shirt and display his sunburn. If he just so happened to also expose a hard-earned new set of muscles, well so be it.*sigh* It's a hard life being in the military.

I couldn't spare a moment to admire his muscles because I was too busy laughing at the mental image of a bunch of muscular oompa lumpas running through the desert in camo and military-grade boots. I know you want to giggle. Just let it out. Right now. you'll regret it if you don't! If you don't giggle than my ninja minions will pounce on you from the ceiling where they lay in wait. Ha! Made you look. ...but I got so paranoid that I looked up too. So Ha HA! Made us both look! 

Live Long and Laugh,

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