Monday, February 7, 2011

How To Cook A (Slightly Dysfunctional) Egg

How To Cook An Egg

(By Expert Chef Hannah Hoo)

1.Realize, at 10:00 p.m., that you are hungry for a coddled egg.

2.Realize you've no idea how to cook a coddled egg. Google "How To Cook A Coddled Egg". (Yay for Google!)

3.Sneak upstairs to the kitchen, turn on the lights. Set a teakettle to boil. Grab a large mug out of the pile of mysterious dishes. (Mysterious Dishes: The mislaid pices of crockery that were abandoned during commute from the dishwasher to the cabinet or vice versa. Mysterious because you don't know if they are clean or not.)

4. Grab freshly-laid egg from under chicken's behind.

5. Wash egg in hot water.

6. Place egg gently in mysterious mug, then pour boiling water into mug until it covers the egg.

7. Wait for 1 minute. Tap foot impatiently. Toast one slice of toast. Spread it with far too much butter.

8. Remember coddled egg. Remove from water, crack the top. Slowly tip over and pour the partially coddled egg onto a random tea dish.

9. Opps. Realize that your egg is not coddled, in fact it is almost raw and jiggling.

10. Decide to fry the partially coddled egg. Search for small frying pan.

11.Fail in your search; the only thing the right size is a small pot.

12. Decide that the pot will do. Put pot onto stove top on medium heat, then slide egg into pot.

13. Season generously with salt, pepper, and some Italian herbs that give the egg a greenish tinge a delicious taste. Top with lid.

14. Grab a random glass of water off the counter (or potted palm, if handy). Pour a little water into the pot. Place glass back exactly where you found it so no one knows you used it.

15. Pot begins to make weird sounds and hissing, like an angry raccoon. Back away in fear.

16. Sizzling has calmed down. Check egg; it should be finished.

17. Slide fried/coddled/boiled egg out of pot with a rice paddle onto your buttered toast (now cold).

18. Take all your dirty dishes and set them in the sink for someone else to do later.

19. Eat egg with great pnash while watching your favorite movie. Enjoy!

WARNING: This is a complicated recipe that should only be performed when a professional is handy (aka Me). Result of recipe may not always be desirable.

Merry Christmas Eve!


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