Monday, June 18, 2012

Chew Like You Have a Secret

When in doubt, bake it out. That seems to be my jerk reaction when a problem presents itself. Or a holiday. Or a rainy day. Or when I watch movies. Or lose a sock. Lets be honest, all the time.

Right behind God and love there is nothing that humans adore more (except perhaps Chris Hemsworth. If he ran for president it would be a landslide success, even if he was completely illiterate not to mention Australian.) than food. We write about it, eat it, and even (if you are a celebrity) name our children after it. When humans want to woo someone the saying goes "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." (Tip for the guys: works on women, too). I suppose i've taken that and just applied it as the solution to all situations and problems. Lost your job? I baked you a blueberry pie. Had a freak jet ski accident and lost all your hair? Enjoy some mocha souffle.Just found out you are allergic to sugar? ...Heres a celery stick?

When a extravagantly lovely friend of mine seemed to be under a lot of stress I thought, what does she love? After realizing the legal complications of kidnapping the actor who played Peeta I thought of one of her favorite foods: bread!

 If you have a friend who is in a tight jam offer them a butter knife so they may spread it on the delicious loaf you baked for them. Any recipe will do but feel free to throw in some hidden gems like cinnamon sugar, chocolate chips, and caramel. If you happen to be an heiress you can throw in some literal gems but be prepared to pay for some whopping dentist bills. I used this recipe: 

After baking your bread from scratch (and from scratch I mean you can grind your own flour and mix your own ingredients though i'm afraid you'll have to leave the eggs and milk to the animals unless you are scarily ambitious) print out the following list and send the bundle by bird or easily manipulated sibling to the friend. (FYI, the bird will be faster. Children are easily distracted.)

        10 Ways to De-Stress With a Loaf of Stress Bread

1  1.       Take out tension and pent-up stress by using your loaf as a punching bag. You can even make a face with some whipped cream of someone you don't particularly like and literally "cream" them. (Sorry, that pun might have made you feel even worse). 

2  2.       Use loaf for some weight lifting, exercise is proven to relieve stress and release endorphins which make you feel happy. 

3  3.       When you drive past a homeless person roll down your window and toss them a loaf. Helping others makes you feel better. Just make sure your aim is good or else you might just hurt the homeless person and cause more pain. 

4  4.      Hollow out the loaf and use it as a snack holder for your favorite movie snacks while watching a feel-good tv show (Dr.Who? Stargate? Sherlock?) Sometimes you just need to veg with a good movie. 

5  5.       Warm loaf in oven, cut in two, and stick your tired feet into the toasty ends. Voila, edible slippers. 

6  6.       Keep the loaf handy and whenever you are dealing with someone who causes you stress (customers, family, friends, loud children and animals) just pelt ‘em in the face with a loaf of bread. You can always use the excuse, “Oh, I was just tossing it to you!” Violence can also make you feel better.

7  7.       Feeling lonely sometimes, like no one understands your problems? Draw a face on the loaf and give it a loving name. You now have a new pet and its a great listener. Also you can eat it while snowbound with no guilt. 

8  8.       Take it to the streets and sell the loaf. Then grab the dough (pun intended), cash it for ones, and roll in it. Or buy a new nail polish, some cute earrings from Charming Charlies, or some other cheap little pick-me-up. If you are of the masculine persuasion then you can buy some duct tape or a sharpie and draw on instant abs.

9  9.       Your spiritual life lagging? In church during the sermon when the pastor is praying the Lord’s prayer and he reaches, “…and give us this day our daily bread-“ leap out of your seat with the loaf and shout “IT WORKED! IT’S A MIRACLE!”

1  10.   Just eat it! Freshly baked homemade bread with butter and jam is the perfect way to end a bad day. Just cut off a slice and spread it liberally with your favorite topping. Or conservatively, your political views have nothing to do with bread.

S    Hopefully your day or someone else's will be brightened by this yeasty blog post. Some of you may cry, "But Hannah! I cant cook and when I do people say it makes them wish they didn't have taste buds!" No worries, lovely reader. You can always buy a loaf or mix and claim it as your own. Its the thought that counts. But most importantly never forget:

     Toasty buns,

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