Monday, March 7, 2011


The days following a birthday, a person will usually tell you that they don't fell (older/matured/different/better/worse/etc.). In many ways i'd agree. In a few, i'd have to disagree.
Most noticeably is the sudden spike in male attention. (I see that look of skeptical amusement! Stop snickering, buster!) Not much, but more. I'm not kidding. I kinda wish I was. If you've heajoiaweiioopklds:K~KLmkm!!!!!!!!!JHUYI!

Whew. Deep breath. Sorry about that, I had the sudden realization that a nefarious ladybug (the horror novel with a polka-dotted cover) was taking the Hannah's Arm Highway inside my shirt. Right, back to the pheromones.

If you've heard my Creepy-Big-Lots-Guy Story you understand that I don't attract the finest examples of heroic manliness. Instead of shining knights, I tend to be winked at by the glutinous evil Baron who collects vices and owns the profitable business that builds towers to lock maidens into...only unshaven, undeniably creepsome, and with a thick accent. Every male that has shown interest in me up to my sixteenth was more attracted due to my accessories than my personality because i'm often carrying one or more small sisters who are mistaken for my children, making me appear to be a unmarried 20-something who seems like an easy target. 

Its not like I invite this attention. I dress modestly, I usually don't wear makeup, my hair is either pinned up with a sharpie or pulled back in a elastic, and I wear a sweatshirt just about all the time with enticing logos such as "Miami" or "Red Wings". What i'm saying is that i'm not the best dressed chick on the block. So why the sudden attention?

It actually started on my 16th. My mom and I were venturing out of our den of homework to pick up some dinner from PriceChopper, our local grocery and weird people observatory. We were talking as we drove into the parking lot when I noticed a derelict guy standing in the bed of a pick-up truck and waving around what looked like a screwdriver. (Beats me!) We drove past, he looked in the window, and dropped his arms. The pair watched like vultures while we circled the lot and parked. Trying to ignore them, I stepped out of the car, burying my hands into the kangaroo pouch of my over-sized red hoodie. The weirdo fist-pumped and high-fived his buddie, still watching as Mum and I snickered and went in the store. 

I figured they'd be long gone by the time we checked-out, but no. We stepped back out and the white-boy gangsta wannabes started back up the staring contest while trying (and failing) to subtly flex their muscles, their "Be grateful...i'm not dead." t-shirts waving in the breeze. Trying not to laugh, I got into the car and avoided eye contact. As we pulled out of the parking lot, steaming chicken in hand, I sneaked a look. The delinquents were leaning out of the back of the truck and waving their screwdriver in a last attempt. 

Yes, they were creepy. Yes, they were not people i'd like to likely meet. But, they were my age, which is new. And, despite their intense fail, they were still better than beardy Muslim dudes. Or the "winkers". Basically, i'm 70% revolted, 20% amused, and 5% flattered. I'm also 5% bad at Math. 

The another thing that stood out to me was the very friendly, very long-haired pony-tailed Greek guy that gave me the eyebrows during a nature walk today. Ya' know, those eyebrows. The same eyebrow twitch that you'd give while appraising an unexpected chocolate bar, a wordless "Hey, Babe." Like this:

Only...not as attractive. This eyebrow makes me want to rush out and bathe in expensive David Beckham cologne. The Greek guy's made me want to take scissors to his ponytail. 

SO, basically, long story short (though I technically just made a short story long), i'm a teensy bit satisfied that the recent attention I've gotten had nothing to do with appearing to have children and it came from people under 20. I also want to carry mace and hair-cutting implements. But hey, i'm an optimist. 

Now that I think about it, all of the guys who have expressed interest recently have used "The Eyebrow". Interesting...

Nighty-Night, don't let the creepers bite!

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