Monday, February 7, 2011

Where's the E*trade Baby?

8 Ways To Enjoy the Super Bowl for the Anti-Football Fan

1.Eat. Wings, pop, pretzals, little weiners; drown your boredom in fun-size snacks.

2.Try to identify the player's tattoos.Is that Elmo on a bicep I see?

3.Laugh at the players. Its quite funny if you think about it. A bunch of grown men (many with unfortunate hair) running up and down a field in canary spandex and stuffed shirts. What sane man would go into a sport where they replay slo-mo shots of you being dog-piled by a bunch of 300 pound men? Not to mention all that slo-mo quivering flesh. Yuck.

4.Try to imitate the announcer's voice and narrate the game yourself. "Welcome back, Ladies and Gentleman, to the 46th Super Bowl! (46? Maybe i'm wrong...) The green men in stretchy-pants are hogging the ball and a man from the white padded shirts team is crying in the corner. He might also have a broken femur. Now all the men are lining up with their rears in the camera, crouching and having a staring contest with the other team. OOO! Someone must have blinked because everyones charging each other. People are getting knocked down, twisted, and sat on right and left. Why can't they just share the ball? These men are millionares! Surely one of them could buy their own football. Wait, wait! A guy with really long hair (is he INSANE? this is football, not a hippie convention) is running towards that little colored rectangle at the end of the field. He crossed a little white line. Everyone is happy. He has now DROPPED the ball and is convulsing in what I beleive is referred to as a "victory dance". This is so confusing. Just a minute ago the player wanted the football so much that he was risking grevious injury for it, but when he gets the ball he just drops it! Forget this. Lets watch some commercials now."

5.Find Waldo: Football Edition. Just look into the crowd of screaming fans and either find waldo or the weirdest fan.

6.Steal the remote and change the channel. Who wouldn't want to watch Psych instead of football? Warning: You will be screamed at and possibly tackled for changing the channel by any football loving male(s) in the room.

7.Throw small missiles at the enemy football players. Chocolate wrappers are esp. effective.

8.THE COMMERCIALS! The best (...and sometimes worst) commercials, ads, and trailers are played during the super bowl. My personal method is to read during the game, pause to watch commercials, laugh, read when game comes back on, etc. Its like the creamy filling of a Twinkie.

Check out some of the best commercials:


E*trade Baby:

Darth Vader:


Well, thats all I can think of at the moment. Go!
Sports and Idiocy,

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