Lipstick, High Heels, and Bullets

Tis' the season to dance and freak out about finding a dress. Yes, Fall Formal is coming. Your friends are going and it sounds like fun so, sure, why not? You sign up. A few weeks later it pops up, surprise!, like an unexpected guest at your door. You realize all of those "Oh, i'm sure something will work out"s...yeah, they aren't working out. Whats a girl to do?

The reason i'm bringing this up is 

1) I'm going to a dance tomorrow night

2) Its kind of planking on my mind right now and pushing out all other reasonable thought

3) This is so UNFAIR!

Why, you ask, is this at all unfair? Maybe this comparison of what a normal guy does and a normal girl does getting ready for a dance will help:

Girl: Sign up, pay, arrange rides.

Guy: Sign up, pay, arrange rides.

(So far so fair- but wait)

Girl: Spend weeks searching for a dress, shoes, and purse that match and are just the right level of formal for the event. Thrift, borrow moolah from parents, occasionally have dressing room breakdowns. (C'mon girls, everyones had one.)

Guy: Look under the bed for their nice pants. Take out the dress-shirt they stuffed inside their drum. Retrieve leathery shoes from their pet's cage. Wash all of the above if the more industrious gentleman.

Girl: Begin preparing for the dance hours before they leave. Shower, blow-dry, curl or straighten hair, shave legs (unless its No-Shave November), defy gravity and natural science with hair-spray and bobby pins to keep their hair's intricate updo in place. Apply foundation, toner, blush, bronzer, cover-up, primer, eyeliner (wet, gel, and stick), a few hundred coats of mascara, lipstick, maybe even false eyelashes.

Guy:Comb hair. Shave.Maybe shower.

Girl: Wear a dress, 3 inch heels, and hold a clutch that all match and that you can dance in. The whole ensemble must be sexy yet modest, glamour yet not over-the-top, sparkly yet not glaring, and posh yet not overly formal. 

Guy: "Mom, can you help me with this tie?"

Do you see what I mean now? Sure, guys might have to drive or buy a corsage now and then, but girls feel a social pressure to look like super models. Not to say dressing up for a night on the town isn't fun, it is, its just uncalled for when men complain about how long it takes the women in their life to get ready for events. Give us a break, guys. You've never walked a mile in 4 inch stilletos, now have you? 

So to all those guys: Tell your girlfriend she is gorgeous. Hold her bag while she gets punch. Dance with her even if you feel like a fool and would rather eat broken glass and milk for breakfast. Appreciate her. And, above all, don't infuriate her. You would be surprised how many beauty products can be used as weapons or how sparkly rhinestone clutches are just the right size for a taser...

Just Dance,

Hannah

THE EYEBROW

The days following a birthday, a person will usually tell you that they don't fell (older/matured/different/better/worse/etc.). In many ways i'd agree. In a few, i'd have to disagree.

Most noticeably is the sudden spike in male attention. (I see that look of skeptical amusement! Stop snickering, buster!) Not much, but more. I'm not kidding. I kinda wish I was. If you've heajoiaweiioopklds:K~KLmkm!!!!!!!!!JHUYI!

Whew. Deep breath. Sorry about that, I had the sudden realization that a nefarious ladybug (the horror novel with a polka-dotted cover) was taking the Hannah's Arm Highway inside my shirt. Right, back to the pheromones.

If you've heard my Creepy-Big-Lots-Guy Story you understand that I don't attract the finest examples of heroic manliness. Instead of shining knights, I tend to be winked at by the glutinous evil Baron who collects vices and owns the profitable business that builds towers to lock maidens into...only unshaven, undeniably creepsome, and with a thick accent. Every male that has shown interest in me up to my sixteenth was more attracted due to my accessories than my personality because i'm often carrying one or more small sisters who are mistaken for my children, making me appear to be a unmarried 20-something who seems like an easy target. 

Its not like I invite this attention. I dress modestly, I usually don't wear makeup, my hair is either pinned up with a sharpie or pulled back in a elastic, and I wear a sweatshirt just about all the time with enticing logos such as "Miami" or "Red Wings". What i'm saying is that i'm not the best dressed chick on the block. So why the sudden attention?

It actually started on my 16th. My mom and I were venturing out of our den of homework to pick up some dinner from PriceChopper, our local grocery and weird people observatory. We were talking as we drove into the parking lot when I noticed a derelict guy standing in the bed of a pick-up truck and waving around what looked like a screwdriver. (Beats me!) We drove past, he looked in the window, and dropped his arms. The pair watched like vultures while we circled the lot and parked. Trying to ignore them, I stepped out of the car, burying my hands into the kangaroo pouch of my over-sized red hoodie. The weirdo fist-pumped and high-fived his buddie, still watching as Mum and I snickered and went in the store. 

I figured they'd be long gone by the time we checked-out, but no. We stepped back out and the white-boy gangsta wannabes started back up the staring contest while trying (and failing) to subtly flex their muscles, their "Be grateful...i'm not dead." t-shirts waving in the breeze. Trying not to laugh, I got into the car and avoided eye contact. As we pulled out of the parking lot, steaming chicken in hand, I sneaked a look. The delinquents were leaning out of the back of the truck and waving their screwdriver in a last attempt. 

Yes, they were creepy. Yes, they were not people i'd like to likely meet. But, they were my age, which is new. And, despite their intense fail, they were still better than beardy Muslim dudes. Or the "winkers". Basically, i'm 70% revolted, 20% amused, and 5% flattered. I'm also 5% bad at Math. 

The another thing that stood out to me was the very friendly, very long-haired pony-tailed Greek guy that gave me the eyebrows during a nature walk today. Ya' know, those eyebrows. The same eyebrow twitch that you'd give while appraising an unexpected chocolate bar, a wordless "Hey, Babe." Like this:

Only...not as attractive. This eyebrow makes me want to rush out and bathe in expensive David Beckham cologne. The Greek guy's made me want to take scissors to his ponytail. 

SO, basically, long story short (though I technically just made a short story long), i'm a teensy bit satisfied that the recent attention I've gotten had nothing to do with appearing to have children and it came from people under 20. I also want to carry mace and hair-cutting implements. But hey, i'm an optimist. 

Now that I think about it, all of the guys who have expressed interest recently have used "The Eyebrow". Interesting...

Nighty-Night, don't let the creepers bite!

-Hannah

Photo Inspiration: Eyes

Another inspiration to me are eyes; I love eyes. They truly are the windows to the soul. They convey a array of emotions and come in a rainbow of colors. Whenever I'm doodling (usually in math class) I draw eyes everywherere. Big eyes, human eyes, anime eyes, etc. They are fascinating.

You know eyes have to be important because thats what people look at when they talk to each other instinctively. We don't stare at their ears, or hands, or hair; its always the eyes. Its always made me curious.

 

Anyway, here is my ode to eyes: 

• Of your entire body, the muscles that move your eyes are the strongest.

• The #1 cause for blindness in adults in the U.S. is diabetes.

 

• The older you are, the less tears you produce.

• Often in eye operations Sharks eyes are used because their corneas are very similar to that of the human eye. 

• All babies have blue eyes that will later change into their normal eye color

• Colored or patterned contacts are made and often used by actors and cosplayers. 

• When you are lying you often look to the left, however when recalling a memory you will look towards the right. 

• Sailors once thought that wearing a gold earring would improve their sight.

• Most people will blink 12 times per minute.

• Some Asian women have plastic surgery to give them wide, "European" eyes. 

• Your eyes are the same size throughout your life even though your nose and ears never stop growing. 

• When you see something you like, your pupils widen. In other words, there are a lot of wide pupil-ed girls watching Charlie McDonald.