Sunday, October 28, 2012


The camera was a glorious, life-changing invention. It captured people and places and memories and has become as much an everyday part of life as breathing and tweeting. However with every great invention (and sci-fi movie) there is a dark side. Introducing: Camera Crimes.

1) Baby Pictures

It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone loves an adorable baby picture. Don't even try to deny it, boys, you know those peachy little chipmunk cheeks and anime eyes melt your macho hearts like butter on a hot engine or rifle or...something else manly. And what parents wouldn't want to capture the overwhelming cuteness of their baby before it grows into a terrifying toddler, an emotionally distraught middle schooler, and worse *shudder* a teenager. However there is a fine line between too cute... and torture.

Exhibit A: Good Baby Photo

Exhibit B: Bad Baby Photo

(Do you not SEE this? Obviously the small child is being eaten by a care bear.) 

You see adorable semi-nude baby photography. I see cold, shivering, sticky hours spent forced to cuddle with a wicker basket. Just imagine how this kid is going to react when he gets older. "You did WHAT? You took nude pictures of me stuffed in a peppermint jar and posted them on the internet?! MOM!"

2) Instagram
 Ahhh, the fabulous social media website and facebook tool that allows you to take pictures of anything, and I mean anything, put it through a variety of filters for instant photoshop, and show it to everyone you know. It only crosses the line to ridiculous when you begin taking pictures of everything else and calling them art. Like dirty dishes, ketchup bottles, and boogers.

Exhibit A: Good Instagram


Exhibit B: Bad Instagram

Inanimate objects are only the gateway drug which, as everyone knows, leads directly to...

3) Selfies

Exibit A: Good Selfies

Note: If you are someone who occasionally posts pictures of themselves on various social media networks please don't be offended. There is a difference between a tasteful picture of yourself and...the below. Most likely, hopefully, you are the first kind. 

Exibit B: Bad Selfies
The "Just checking my Facebook and accidentally took a picture..."

The "Oh! Coincidentally high enough to show cleavage!"

The "I turned it sideways so its totally justified!"

The "Peek-A-Boo Abs"

And you aren't fooling anyone with your "Unfiltered! <3 nbsp="nbsp" span="span">nonsense  If its unfiltered than why are your eyes violet and the edges of your face blurry? These kinds of pictures induce a want in the general public not to shoot people with cameras but just flat-out SHOOT people. Also, adding song lyrics does not make it ok. 

It is not flattering. It is not appealing. It is not sexy. Just say NO to duck lips. 

*Note: Not ALL girls*

Ladies and Gentleman, think before you click and post. Your future self will thank you.

Off to instagram my teddygrams,


P.S. Here's a nice serving of self-deprecation for anyone feeling offended (or convicted) after this blog post:

Quack, quack.