Sunday, August 26, 2012

Glitter Glue and Golden Wisdom

When the morning finds you waiting at a bus stop holding a tray of cookies and dressed like a makeup-less mime the day cannot be boring. Here are some random things, in no particular order, I did today:

-Washed teapots.
-Observed a woman wearing a cardboard crown laughing hysterically on the bus.
-Washed Spoons.
-Composed angry poetry about dress slacks.
-Washed my hair. 
-Nearly dropped a teacup and saucer on a customer while waitressing.
-Washed tea strainers.
-Spied on people in apartment buildings across the street.
-Washed my hands.
-Ate a collapsed yet heavenly pavlova cake. 
-Washed bowls.
-Sat down next to a large, intimidating man. That when talking with turned out to be a large, intimidating woman. 
-Had far too much raisin-less oatmeal raisin cookie. (Haha, thought I was going to wash something, eh?)
-Slid on hardwood floors in my socks at inappropriate times. 

However as endlessly exciting and thrilling as my life may be (well, ignoring the fact that the most strenuous activity I did all day yesterday was napping on  a hammock...) I cannot ignore the boogey-monster under the bed that, lying in wait all summer, has already eaten a few of my public school peers. Translated: Its back to school season.

Like the zombie apocalypse, the end of the world, and relative's weddings you will need a battle plan. Run and hide is a time-tested favorite of mine (Note: Kitchen cabinets, trees, and dryers make excellent hiding spots. As long as said dryer isn't on. Then things get really exciting.) but sometimes there is no other choice but to put the graphite to the paper and just jump right in to the icy pool of school. So, without further ado, is a few essential items for truly going back to school.

-Pillow and blanket and/or large fluffy jacket.
Scrolling through page after page of wikipedia in the wee hours takes a lot out of a person and can lead to extreme drowsiness. To avoid spontaneously falling asleep during class, explosive lab experiments, and on people as I have done many a time I suggest taking a pillow and napping every spare moment of the day. Break between classes? Curl up under the bleachers for some "Zzzzzz"s. Stuck in the outfield during P.E. baseball? "I was just testing the traction between my head and the grass in case I had to dive for the ball, coach! Pillow? Oh, you must referring to my extra-large mitt." Taking a math class? The cubby-hole in your desk is the perfect size for a pillow.

-Food. Food. Food. 
If you don't remember to bring anything else to school, bring food. It will fuel you so you can concentrate, be used in food wars, bribe teachers, and get extra credit on oral reports. Seriously, food is the key to a good grade and close friends.

-Empty Notebooks
Meet your new favorite hobby, doodling.

-Glitter Glue
Not only is it one of the most precious substances on Earth and likely to become the new currency when the econemy totally collapses, but glitter glue is also an easy way to glam up any homework assignment. Even an "F" can look attractive when traced over in bright glitter glue. Also spreading glue onto your palms, waiting for it to dry, then peeling it off is one of life's greatest joys.

-A Willingness to Learn
As much as we groan, gripe, and shiver in dread, the chance to even receive an education is a privilege. Yes. many of the things I learn I will never have to know or utilize in everyday life. But then again, maybe I will. And at the end of the day at least you can spout off some intelligent-sounding garbledygook and appear impressive. *ahem* When the diurnal course at last reaches culmination at the very least your conscious will be bolstered that you can articulate perspicacious palaver and thus appear grandiose.

There are many other weapons I could recommend yet I will leave you with this sage piece of advice: When in doubt, slap on a quote. Works every time.

- Mark Twain

Sharpen Your Pencils and Brew the Caffine,
Hannah Hoo